


Odium

by littleberd



Series: Sacrifice [1]
Category: Marvel Universe - All Media Types, other comic universe's that shall not be named as of yet
Genre: F/F, M/M, Peter has had past relationships, Secret Identities, TTUTT don't worry, The boxes of Deadpool, and the Angel and Devil on Spidey's shoulders, and then you yell blasphemy and burn me at the stake, angsty but it gets lighter and more fluffy as you go!, are not side-effects~, but then the last chapter hits you, different ways to find soulmates, i hate myself already, lets just say peter had revenge sex, secret soul similarities~, soul-marks sortof - AU, soulmates feel every bruise or cut, they can also feel when their soulmate loses their virginity, you cry from a week, you hate my guts until O post the 2nd part of the series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-06 16:00:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3140219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleberd/pseuds/littleberd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade Wilson doesn't believe he has a soul-mate. So he goes around, dying constantly and just uses his healing factor, taking life-threatening jobs. Sleeping around with others wasn't anything new either in his line of work.</p><p>But then, he feels a pain and hallucinations, unlike any drug has ever caused him, take form. After that episode he doesn't feel anything for a while. But then he senses something vital being taken from him.</p><p>Looks like he does have a soul-mate... and the boxes keep Wade awake at night saying they told him so in voices that sound purposely out of tune.</p><p>And the only way they will stop singing, more like nails dragging across a chalkboard, is when-not if-when Wade finally decides to go look for his soul-mate. And they have a lot of explaining to do!</p><p>~~~</p><p>Peter Parker knows that he has a soul-mate. And he's hated them for as long as he could remember. Crying from fatal injuries every day and night. Peter wishes they would just die.</p><p>But things change when Peter gets bitten by a special spider. He feels his soul-mate. The angel and devil on his shoulder urge him on. Until finally he loses his virginity. His soul-mate has a lot of explaining to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Negatiophilia

**Author's Note:**

> Have liked Spideypool for a while and thought it was about time that I add to this wonderful fandom!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade has hallucinations after coming back from a job. The boxes are rallying, Wade just wishes they would leave him alone whilst playing in the river of _denial_. But he knows they can't be right, he's been living longer than humans from his generation. But what is this? Could the boxes possibly be right?!
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Walk like an Egyptian" by Music for little people
> 
> Oh the Irony! XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPIDEYPOOL! IS! AWESOME! AND SO ARE CHIMICHANGAS!  
> If you don't like them, get out now while you still can! Because Deadpool will find you~  
> Disclaimer! I own no characters! The plot is mine though~  
> I sort of got inspired by soul mark AU's, but I thought I could add my own twist~ seeing as spider man and deadpool in their entirety are a wonderful contrast. I saw a lot of differences... but I have seen a lot of similarities too. So here's to all of you spideypool shippers and writers out there!!! Everyone needs a little crazy in their life!
> 
> Wade  
> [ ] = white box  
> { } = yellow box

Deadpool just got done with a job from Paris, he took out some terrorist scum and will get 3 billion for their heads. The French government was pretty sly but they had worked together before, S.H.E.I.L.D. has it's hands in everything too, so a little influence works to help him get the job done.

 _Fuck a cow and have a calf_!!!! The bomb _**HURTS**_!!! 

[No _SHIT_ it hurts Wade! Any other human and it would be fatal! Their body would be smears on the wall.]

{They would be over there and up there and down there and over in that corner and on that guys hotdog too!}

A chubby man with a mole on the side of his face, outside the building mind, was eating a hot dog across the street... if you could call that eating...

"I'm not getting a hotdog now, thanks a lot you yellow bastard!" Deadpool grumbles, collecting what gear he had that survived.

{Welcome fuck-face!}

[Children, Children! Lets just get the hell out of France for some _real_ food. This _French cuisine_ shit will rot our stomach.]

{Let's hop over to Spain! We can get some Mexican food there!}

[Mexican food is from _Mexico_ not _Spain_ you idiot.]

{I know you are but what am I~?}

"You just put your foot in your mouth yellow. You're both voices in my head, so whatever he is, you are too." Wade states, white snorts.

His side brushes against the stair railing, he let's loose a yelp, it was a manly yelp! He hadn't wrapped or treated any of his wounds because wounds healed in less than a day for Deadpool. He doesn't get infections either, or any illness for that matter, besides the cancerous shit that has been in him longer than his healing factor has. Which has been battling and scarring Wade Wilson, trying to get rid of the cancer. But cancer is a sonova bitch that just won't die, like Deadpool, and he's got scars on scars. He doesn't even have any hair left! 

He calls for a damn taxi and hobbles down the stairs, they are barely there and look ready to collapse under him.

_ehn~ if I fall I'll just heal._

[Wade, you need to stop being willy-nilly with your healing factor-]

{Did you for-real just say _willy-nilly_?}

[THAT'S NOT THE POINT YOU IDIOT! *groans dramatically* I don't know how I've lasted this long in your mind... Back to what I was saying before I was rudely interrupted! *if boxes could glare, white was definitely glaring at yellow* You do realize that every time you die your soulmate feels-]

"LALALALALALALA! CAN'T HEAR YOU~!!!! LALA! LA~LALA~♪!" He yells obnoxiously in a sing-song tone, trying to drown out white's voice.

[You KNOW we're right Wade!]

"Then riddle me this. Why have I never felt their pain? Hmmm!?" Wade shoots back.

[Because you're constantly in pain! You were just blown to smitherin's 2 minutes ago!!! Your pain would mask over your soulmates pain!]

"I'm not having this conversation again! No! Nada! Nein! Nich! Yada! Nie! Geen! Jo! Heç Bir! Ne! He! Dili! Ingen! Neniu! Ei! Hindi! Aucun!-" He yells frantically.

[Throwing around 'No' in different languages doesn't make the fact go away that your soulmate is-]

"I can keep going you know. I've only gone through half of the languages I'm fluent in." Wade cuts white off.

[Alright-alright! Just stay a few more days on your vacation in Egypt~]

"Fuck you! I know you got that from one of 'Littlebirdy3tweet's' comments a while back!" He harrumphs, " who ever that is... Death only mentioned her once."

[Still relevant, you can't swim in _Denial_ forever. You'll turn pruney.]

{And be eaten by crocodiles... which hurts if you remember.}

"If there is an almighty god out there...I just want to ask you one question...What kind of sick twisted thing did I do in my past life to make you punish me by having 2, very annoying and down-right disrespectful, voices in my head? I mean, seriously!? What the Fuck did I do?!" Wade yells dramatically, the stairs creak under his weight. Deadpool jump and he has definitely just broken a thigh bone, the stairs crumble behind him.

"Well that's going to be a bitch for an hour." Wade curses, stands and exits the crumbling building.

_kajdfhluruhwiuhviudfnkqhfioiurejkdpvnmnbnbxioeir_

Three hours later at a hotel in Paris

"Iz just meah-? Or thaaaaa couccccch looks lika phonnnny!? A bigu pinky...pony." Wade Wilson stumbles and staggers around his hotel room. He trips over air and knocks over the nightstand. The things he had found that past guests had left were in the drawer, now they scattered all over the floor.

{Wade! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?! Wait... why am I asking you? WHITE! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!?! CUZ THIS IS SOME CRAZY SHIT!!!!!!}

[It's the soul-bond! Something is happening to them!]

Wade's hand sent a hairbrush rolling across the floor, it stops right in front of his face. His eyes going comically wide, pupils dilating sporadically. "wiiiiittle...wealliiiiie wiiiittle... porrrrrkkepyne...." Wade Wilson's head slams to the floor, feeling the same horrible phantom pain and getting the same hallucinations from his soul-mate.

_bxppqkdknfmmslappqoeufhcbvkgorjeywyskcbcjal_

_Big boobed broads carress my skin, letting me cup their perfect breasts in each hand. The sexy-sexy men, with their nice_ ass _ets grind against my boner~_

"Ass~"

[Wakey-Wakey Wade-y~]

Turns out he was just having a really fucking good dream... _and it hadn't even gotten to the fucking~!_

{oh! Looks like little DP is awake too!...ass. Wait a second, you dreamt of ASS didn't you!?! What happened to the 'sharing is caring' schtick!?...you got **ASS** without us!? SERIOUSLY!? Not cool bro! Not cool!}

"What you get for waking me you yellow pervert." He snips, shakily stands up and plops his toushy on the red couch.

{I wasn't the one dreaming about it Mr. Morning Person _sssss_ }

"Shut-up, atleast I get some ass!" Wade points out.

{In your dreams, oh wait! That's the only way you _get_ any ass!}

"oh really~? Then why do I still have the claw marks from that asian babe from London?" He retorts, losing to yellow is not an option... his pride as a man is at stake. Wade cross my arms, eyebrow rising.

{Oh yeah~! What was her name-christy? No...chang?...no...miko? Yeah! Miko!} He has won.

[*cough*cough* Do you remember anything before you fell asleep?]

Taken aback he scratches his head, "I remember having weird ass hallucinations about the couch ...turning into a pink pony and the hairbrush rolling into a porcupine... what the hell? That bomb didn't have any drugs in it! I checked the damn thing, trying to turn it off before said bomb went-"

{ **BOOM** ♠ (mushroom cloud~) We were such pretty fireworks~}

[You know what that means Wade. Time to end your vacation]

"Nope! There is a blizzard/ pirranha storm/ chimichanga festival in Egypt! All roads are blocked by 10 feet of snow, with an infestation of pirranhas! And they have a stand with forever free and never running out authentic chimichangas!"

[Just keep telling yourself that Wade. And when it proves to be false~ well, me and yellow here have the right to say 'I told you so'.]

"Which will never happen because you're wrong white, I don't have a soul-mate." Wade states, _and even if I did, I don't deserve them._

[whatever you say Wade... whatever you say.]

Egypt is pretty nice this time of year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First spideypool fic! And yeah~ lets just say, after all is said and done, the boxes will have the right to lord this over Wade's head for the rest of his life.
> 
> Whatever life Wade has left after Spi-er Peter gets done with him.
> 
> "What was that little birdy?"
> 
> *cough* nothing, nothing~ I'm not going to let you ruin the plot by telling you... otherwise you would be marysue-ish.
> 
> Wade eyes me but walks away.
> 
> [We know what you speak of~ but we promise not to tell... because then we wouldn't get to gloat!]
> 
> {I just want things to go boom... that's all I want. But shoving this in Wade's face is good too.}


	2. Algophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter has felt agonizing pain for as long as he can remember. He wishes that his soul-mate would just die, even though they do but come back like a glorified zombie every time just to be killed spectacularly again. 
> 
> And this is only the tip of the iceberg called the "Peter Parker's Ultimate Sucky Life". His parents abandoned him when he was 7, he's been bullied by Flash since he was 9, gets shoved in a locker every day, his crushes think he's gay, and he is unintentionally burdening his aunt and uncle (which he really wishes he wasn't).
> 
> But finding a leather bag that belonged to his dad with Oscorp files just leads to more questions, and a very special spider bite.
> 
> What happens next will set fate on it's path... unraveling the web, threads slowly tightening.
> 
> Entangling all who touch it.
> 
> Song for this chapter is... Devil on my Shoulder by Picture Me Broken!!! *Applauds* not the most famous band but I think the lyrics work! XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK guys! Since people wanted it in 3rd person I'm going to put it in 3rd person. Oh and it's also Peter's POV!!!! *happy dance*
> 
> AND WADE_WINSTON_WILSON!!!! I HAVE AUTHOR POWERS! So I teleported the bomb in Samantha's taco shack... better get there quick~ times still ticking!~ and don't think you will be able to teleport it in my room again~ I've got insurance... >:)
> 
> ° °= angel  
> • •= devil

Peter Parker's life sucks, to put it bluntly. To start with, his soulmate has to be a zombie, because there is no way that they should still be living after all the times they have died. And Peter _knows_ they have died. Because of the soulbond.

The soulbond allows soulmates to feel what the other feels, be it pain or pleasure, sadness or happyness. This can be both good and bad, a double edge sword... or in Peter's case, never ending pain that ruins everything good in his life. And it was all because his soulmate would just _NOT_ die. 

He would feel his soulmate die while he was in church, clutching his stomach, where _his_ guts were _not_ spilling out onto the floor. He would feel his soulmate die while he was in science class, holding his neck trying to _re-attach_ a head that was _already_ attached. He would feel his soulmate die while playing hide and seek with his friends in central park, thrashing on the ground feeling water with 2000 volts running through it on a dry path of grass. And lastly, he would dream of his soulmate talking to themselves, yelling shut up and that they couldn't possibly have a soulmate; that they didn't want one.

Peter was unfortunately a rare case. A soulmate that could see visions of their counterpart while dreaming, Peter saw nightmares.

And there was one thing that always stayed with him, a constant itching sensation on his skin. He would feel the burning, but then he would feel the healing. And the clash of the 2 would make his flesh sear and itch. When Peter was a baby, the nurses didn't know what to do, Peter would scratch his arms, his face, ANYWHERE. And they never knew the reason until Peter could talk, having to wear mittens everyday. Peter has the scars, once, when he was 7, he tried skinning himself. Thankfully his parents had stopped him.

The second big thing in Peter's life that sucked, was that his parents abandoned him. Leaving him with his Uncle Ben, his fathers brother, and Aunt May. They couldn't have children of their own, and were happy to have Peter. But things were hard for the couple, not expecting to raise a child let alone planning for one, they ended up having to take 3 sometimes 4 shifts at different jobs to make ends meet. To say they were wearing themselves thin is an understatement.

And with a new home and family, came a new school. This is the third big problem, and its name is Eugene Thompson... A.K.A. Flash. And he just so happened to choose Peter Parker as his constant victim. Peter had skipped a grade or two because he had already learned about it. His dad had been a scientist for Oscorp. He brought home textbooks to explain things to a curious peter, so he could understand what he did at work all day. He helped his father with writing reports about his experiments, adding things up in chemical equations, etc. And Flash was, and still is, the dumbest jock around. So it was within reason for Flash to intimidate the 8-year-old, smart, and petite Peter Parker. Flash made it a point to toss him in the lockers between classes, jostle him enough to make his books scatter across the floor, turtle his backpack when he and the teacher were not looking when they had the same classes, and pull the classic 'give-me-your-lunch-money-or-you'll-be-buying-a-knuckle-sandwich' card. All through middle school, and now as a freshman in high school. But that's not the worst thing about his life.

No, the worst thing about Peter Parker's life is that, after he had practically broken into Oscorp going on a lead to find out more about his father, Peter got bitten by a spider. Nothing happened for a few hours except getting his booty kicked out of Oscorp on Gwen Stacy's orders. The Gwen Stacy who thinks Peter Parker is gay. The same Gwen Stacy said Peter Parker has a ginormous crush on.

So after going home he could feel the spider bite's poison kicking in. Everything kept swirling around and around in a yellowish-orange haze. Every noise sounded like it echoed, every brush of a finger felt like a razor scraping against his skin, every smell was an odor. And then the hallucinations started. Peter Parker honestly doesn't remember what hallucinations he had, but they were trippy.

And when Peter Parker woke up, he felt amazing. He tried his glasses on but his vision was perfect without them, once he went to school, he had evaded every tactic Flash tried to pull. Including a food fight Flash had started but had backfired on him spectacularly. But his day took a turn for the worse when he was sent to the principals office.

===========================================================

°Your perfect RECORD!!!! Why didn't you take a higher road!? If you had waited just _one more year_ you would have been accepted into almost any college with a perfect scholarship.°

Peter spins around, but the hall is eerily empty. Flash had been called to the office before himself. Peter ignores the complaint and continues walking mopily.

•Yeah don't listen to 'em kid, Flash had it coming, he started it, you finished it. And it felt _goooooood_ •

Peter stopped again. _Who the hell is talking?! I'm the only one in this hallway! This is creeping me the fudge out!_.

°Oh I'm dreadfully sorry about that°

Peter feels a tap on his shoulder, he looks and sees no one but then he does a double take. There is a 5 inch angel version of himself on his shoulder.

•How didn't he notice us? I know he's a smarty-pants but he should have atleast felt you pacing on his shoulder. Wearing this stupid plaid shirt to threads too.•

Peter turned his head slowly to look at his left shoulder, eyes never closing. Another 5-inch version of Peter was sprawled out on his shoulder like he owned it. This one was a devilish looking thing.

•Hellllloooooo?• The Devil on his shoulder prodes his face with a triton that had definitely not been there before.

•I think we broke him.•

°Don't say that!!! He's perfectly fine... just a bit shocked is all.° The angel patted the shoulder he was currently inhabiting.

Peter yanked both of the 5-inch selfies off of his shoulders and threw them as far-away as possible. Peter took a few breathes, and sighed in relief.

Then he felt a stab on his left shoulder.

•Hey, I'll let that one slide, but do it again and I'll draw blood.• The miniature Devil-self grumbled, turning around and flicking it's tail like a blonde flips hair to end a conversation.

°Don't let _him_ get to you. I understand your fearfulness about us. But I assure you we are a means to help your cause.°

Peter's head whipped around so fast it would leave a crick in his neck, and there on his right shoulder was the Angel-selfie sitting with his tiny feet dangling off. Grinning up at him with innocent happy eyes.

Peter Parker's screams echoed through the hallways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter guys~ because it will be atleast another week until I get better.


	3. Thantophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time ever, things were going well for Peter Parker. He is dating Gwen Stacy. He has awesome powers. He knows that his dad didn't abandon him, actually he left to protect him. And Aunt May and Uncle Ben have new jobs that let them spend more time together. But then... this happens.
> 
> This chapter's song is... I didn't want to say goodbye by Ari Hest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Real life is a bitch, haven't had Internet for a while, broken arm is still healing, taking care of my mom... yeah~ not to mention Wade_Winston_Wilson set off a cart load of c4 in my moms house after they shot my leg. So yeah... Wade_Winston_Wilson! You better kudos this story!!!! You know you love it! If you've gone this far to make me update it!!!!! And it will be a happy ending. But the ending will not be in this universe~ that is... the universe Deadpool and Spidey meet in.
> 
> Enjoy~

Peter had just gone back to the store to get the carton of eggs he had forgot to buy. He had been distracted stopping a car theif that decided to steal a car that had a ton of groceries... and a 10 month old baby boy. But, Peter couldn't risk telling Aunt May or Uncle Ben about his powers. It would mess everything up. It would just add stress where it was not needed. Still, it would be a lot more convenient and a better excuse than "I forgot". 

Peter walks up to the cash register. The guy behind it looks like he couldn't let go of the 80's. Long rat tail hair style that looked like a sad attempt at a dred and a ketchup stained tye-dye t-shirt that had its own personal odor. 

•What a slob, wonder if those food stains are as old as the shirt.• The devil interjected with disgust.

°Be nice Devin... oh my *gags* holy f*$#° the angel covers his nose with his tunic, trying to wave the smell away with the ends of his tunic.

•Did choir boy just cuss!? But he doesn't smell that bad Andy-• the devil sniffs the air and falls over unconscious.

"That'll be $2.13." The slob says behind the cash register, beer belly evident.

He has $2.10 , so Peter snags 3 penny's from the penny pile and sets them on the counter. The guy grabs them and sets them back, giving him a dirty look.

"You can't take 3 penny's unless you buy something first. You can leave a penny but you can't take a penny chicken boy." The slob snarls, itching his armpit.

"Seriously, 3 penny's dude? Can't you make an exception. It's getting dark out and it's not exactly the best neighborhood to be out this late." He explains, trying to shrink into himself to deceive the guy into thinking of him as a puny kid.

"Sorry not my policy." 

•What a f*$#ing douche.• the devil growls.

°I couldn't agree more, he's making my tunic curl the wrong way.° the angel agreed.

Peter is fed up at this point, he grabs his money and leaves, accidentally bumping into the guy behind him. He steadys Peter, they both murmur sorry's and excuse me's, then seperate. As he's leaving Peter's eyes catch sight of a purple beetle tattoo on the polite guys wrist. 

Right as he pulls out a gun and points it at the slob's head. Peter stands stock still, the selfies disappear. His head vibrates with a feeling of dread, not even registering that he's watching this in real life, it feels like he's watching a movie. The guy exits the store, gun still pointed at the cashier. He hands Peter the carton of eggs and runs. Peter regains his senses and hides the eggs behind his back. The cashier runs out, sweaty pimply face cursing the guy, then he turns on Peter.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU PUNK! Why'd you let him go!? I'm gonna lose my job! $300!" He screams, digging a grimy finger into Peter's chest. He swats the guys hand away.

"Not my policy." Then Peter walks away. The selfies appear once more.

•Nice one Petey. Don't you agree Andy?• the devil appears once more, casually leaning against Peter's neck.

°Yes, and this is starting to get creepy. We never agree on things.° the angel agreed reluctantly. The devil leaned over and gave a devilish grin. The angel shivered and hid behind Peter's neck. Peter's head vibrates again, with a horrible feeling. The selfies vanish.

All of a sudden there's a gun shot, that's when he knows. _I fucked up._

Peter just didn't realize how badly until he sees who the purple beetle shot.

Uncle Ben had gone after Peter, trying to apologize. He had seen the theif and tried to stop him. The theif ended up shooting Uncle Ben in the stomach.

Peter runs, and kneels over his Uncle. He applies pressure to the wound, his life blood staining his hands. Because his blood is on Peter's hands. _I did this. I killed the only father I ever knew. And the last thing I said to him was that he wasn't my father, that I didn't love him._

He swatted Peter's hands away from his wound, instead pulling his head towards him.

"With great power comes great responsibility son... I love yo..." His hands went limp, Peter screamed.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

He couldn't stay with Aunt May, he needed Gwen. She would understand everything, she knew about Spider-man. Aunt May needed comfort, but Peter did too. So he left Aunt May's embrace, and went on the subway to Gwen. She comforted him, then Peter felt a pain in his chest.

"They're dying again. Gwen, I just want it to stop. Everyone keeps dying. I thought-I thought everything was going to change! BUT NOTHINGS CHANGING!" He yells, Peter slams his fists against the wall. Her shelves come crashing down.

"Peter. You need to let your anger go... I love you, and you don't deserve everything that's happened to you. And I seriously hate your soulmate. They've done nothing but hurt you. Now, you can hurt them, that is... if you want to." Gwen says, hands trailing up Peter's arms, ghosting over his elbow and up his shoulder, resting breifly, making gooseflesh appear.

Peter understands what she's asking. Gwen doesn't have a soulmate. She had been tested when she was born, just as every child was. Her test was a rare negative. Which could be both lucky, and very sad. The selfies who had been silent ever since Uncle Ben had been shot appeared.

•Do it Petey... they deserve it. This is probably the only time ya eva gonna get revenge.• The devil commented, all joking aside, arms crossed and looking up at Peter.

°...I agree with Devin over there. Once they feel it being taken, they will no longer be able to deny that you exist. And even I know your soulmate deserves some retribution.° The angel confessed, patting Peter's neck comfortingly. 

"Gwen, I-I...I..." Peter kissed Gwen. And then Peter loses his virginity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Deadpool is definitely not in Egypt anymore after this.


	4. Autophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trouble in paradise. Wade doesn't believe he has a soulmate... or maybe he does but he just doesn't want to find out who it is. He believes himself to be too tainted for anyone. Deadpool's a monster. Deadpool is Wade Wilson. He's bat shit crazy, kills people for money, isn't exactly handsome anymore, and has too many people after him to endanger his destined.
> 
> He never points that last part out to the boxes though. To tell them would mean admitting that he does have a soulmate. And if he does that, it just means he's even more of a monster. He dies on a weekly basis, his soulmate, that he doesn't have mind, would want his head on a platter for how much pain echoed through the soulbond.
> 
> But uh-oh... Why does he feel like his body is having a stroke? No wait... a heart attack? His freaking skin is on fire! (More than usual) and its left him without breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For you dear Libbyluv~ the twists will come shortly~ but you won't know about it until a great many chapters from now~!
> 
> This chapter's song inspiration was ... Pain by Three Days Grace!!! ENJOY!!! XD

Wade has taken another job, this one is in Mexico. And let's just say that the particular drug cartel that Deadpool is going after has a lot of henchmen... with really good aim with throwing knives.

~~~

Wade dodges a shiny steel knife, clipping a good chunk off his right ear, Wade grunts. _I've lost whole limbs before... this is nothing._

[You need to avoid those knives a bit more, a few more inches and you'd have gotten a second mouth on your forehead.]

_Quite distracting me with talk and maybe I would White._

{Who shit in your burrito?}

Wade pauses to make a comeback but is silenced by a knife to the heart. Deadpool falls, body already healing and ejecting the knife, it falls to the ground without tainted blood.

Wade Winston Wilson does not have a soulmate. He doesn't care what the boxes say. He doesn't. **D-O-E-S-N-'-T** HAVE a soulmate. And even if he did, he doesn't deserve one. So let's list the reasons why~ shall we.

List of reasons why Wade Winston Wilson (A.K.A. Deadpool) does not (should not) (is unable to) have a soulmate!

1.He is bat shit crazy

2.He is a paid killer, with more blood on his hands than Hitler

3.He has voices in his head that appear as comic comment boxes. Sort of like facebook only it's the same two people and they love to bring him down.

4.He looks like Freddy cougar face-planted into a topographical map of Utah(scars from constant healing of cancer)

5.He has a lot of people that are angry at him (people that want to _kill_ and or injure/maime him)

6.He constantly dies (punching his own ticket half the time, putting a **LOT** of stress on the nonexistent soulbond)

So to sum it all up, Wade Wilson does not WANT, NEED, or is ABLE to have a soulmate. Contrary to the boxes beliefs.

[Nice list.]

_How the hell did you guys find out about this!? Get out of my head!_

{Sorry but we're on the lease. And you left it on the refrigerator in our mind. *opens mental refrigerator* ooooh~ leftover chimichanga's~}

_Hey! Hands off yellow! *grabs mental chimichangas* my preciousssssss~_

[*cough* *cough* soo~ what's this list Wade~?]

_Simple, reasons why I can't, don't want, and don't need a soulmate._

[*scribbling noises*]

_What are you up to now you control freak?_

[You made a list of your cons... I'm making a list of your pros]

_That's got atleast 3 things on there... I like Mexican food, I have excellent taste in pancakes, and I own a shirt with the autographs of the entire cast of "Golden Girls"_

{You forgot that we make awesome fireworks!}

[I haven't written down a couple of things.]

_Like what Dr. White? That I have a healing factor that makes wolvie jelly?_

[That you're a sarcastic asshole sometimes.]

{How is that a good quality?}

_It's not, and I'm done acknowledging you both._

Wade regained consciousness, eyes blurring, skin still slightly burning, as it always has, and breathing becoming easier. Deadpool looks around, assessing what trouble he's in.

"Well, atleast it's not Hydra's torture chamber... they only seem to have sharp objects." Wade comments, testing the bonds on his thighs, calves, lower arm, upper arm, stomach, and neck.

{These guys are pretty kinky, think they're into BDSM?}

_Oh sweet Samantha's taco shack... Yellow made a rhetorical question... we are in some deep shit._

[Let's get out of here before we start losing what little bit of sanity we have left.]

Deadpool began biting his shoulder, ignoring the pain and agony it induced. _Well atleast it's better than climbing, using your own intestines like a rope, with only one arm because our legs were chopped off and tore his left arm to oatmeal trying to get away._

Deadpool finally makes it to the bone.

[This is going to hurt...]

{A lot!}

Deadpool bites down as hard as he can, causing the bone to crack, writhing from the intense pain: panting trying to continue on without alerting anyone that he's awake.

Deadpool takes 5 more bites, before his arm is detached. Deadpool wiggles, getting his shoulder above the strap that had been holding his upper arm down, bringing the stump back to his arm. It reattaches within a few minutes, his arm, once more, functioning. He slips his lower arm out of the restraint and works on the others. Getting his neck,next his stomach, then his legs, and, lastly, his other arm. Deadpool is free.

[That was unpleasant.]

Wade snorted at that comment, Deadpool silently sneaks out, breaking a couple of guards necks along the way. His gear had been in the room with him, and so had his pouches~ pouches filled with things that yellow loved and went boom.

Deadpool attatches the motion sensored bombs to the, now dead, guards. Placing them upright in the semblance that they are standing.

{This is going to be awesome~!!!! THINGS ARE FINALLY GOING TO GO OFF WITH A BANG!!!}

Deadpool continues to kill whatever poor guard or thug stumbles upon him, and placing bombs on their standing bodies. Using piano wire to tye them up.

And when placing a particular bomb, Deadpool stumbles upon his mark.

"Hello Tulio Ramierez~ how's a life of sex trafficing, drug dealing, and smuggling working out for you?" Deadpool asks, spinning around theatrically, arms outstretched as if about to hug a dearly missed friend.

"Ddd-ddd-e-"

"It's okay~ repeat after me~ Deeeeh-duh poo-uhl~! Say it with me now~!"

Tulio died shortly after, having tried to run away.

"No one can take death like a man these days, yeesh. And she's such a hottie too." Deadpool huff's, his work done.

Two steps and he's on the ground, chest feeling like someone was pouring molten coals into his heart. Skin on fire, his breath stopping completely. Everything goes black... and there is silence, dead, horrible, excruciating pain. A thousand deaths couldn't compare to this. His boxes are silenced, agony making everything hurt, making everything burn. He can't hear anything, see anything. All his senses are nonexistent, only pain is.

Deadpool spasms on the floor, thrusting up in the air, back arching, mouth open wide, unable to let a scream out. Because it wouldn't make anything better, and it would do nothing to releive any pain.

Deadpool passes out. And when he wakes up... Wade realizes that the impossible is real.

"I have a fucking soulmate... and they have a lot of fucking explaining to do."

The boxes are absolutely giddy, like they hadn't just experienced the heart-wrenching-no, SOUL-wrenching agony they had all gone through. Following the call of his soulbond, which Wade had ignorantly ignored, he made his way to America, then New York, then New York City.

"So my soulmate's a hot-dog loving Yankee... great."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short, but it took me forever to figure out what angle I was going to do this thing. GEEZE! first 3 chapters are so easy but then the next one kicks you in the balls (or the non-existent ones in my case) hope you enjoy, and don't worry! I will *cough*eventually*cough* updated this again soon! :D


	5. Chronophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There will be a crossover, there will be major character death, and there will be angst from hell. Because of the flashbacks... you will become intrigued if you are anything like myself, and will be unable to resist the suspense and want the answer to the question... does Wade break his success streak? Then stop now and never finish reading this fic.
> 
> A flashback and a flash forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER IS THANKS TO CORTEXIKID!!! WRITER-LADY HELPED ME GET MY THOUGHTS FIGURED OUT!!! although I pretty much just spoiled a lot of things for her... she helped by staying and letting me spill all of my secrets... well... except for 1 XD
> 
> This chapter's song is ... Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine!!! Awesome song!!!

******10 years into the future from the present*******

The scarred man sat in his cell, red and black clad suit under an ugly orange prison jumpsuit, a simple red thread braided friendship bracelet with the words "Baby Boy" in letter beads on his right hand. The man laid down, resting his head on the pillowless mattress and threadbare cotton blanket, staring at the ceiling. 

His hand fiddled with it out of habit, tracing the letters with scarred fingers, thinking of it's twin... and how it is burried 6 feet under with the body, the body that failed to protect his soulmate. And the heart-wrenching fact that he can't follow his soul because this body won't let his soul free, like a caged bird. The man takes off the mask, not wanting to make it soggy with the tears that will flow in a second.

He wishes he could die.

"How ironic." The scarred man's voice cracks, a bitter smile twists his face.

Tears flow out, but his soul stays in.

"How _pathetically_ ironic."

*****10 years in the past from the present********

The blond was sitting in his office, twirling a sai so fast it was a silver helicopter bladed blur, feet crossed and propped on his desk, leaning so far back in the wooden swivel chair that if he were to twitch he would be sprawled on the floor. He was the very image of bored, blue eyes dulled, a yawn contorting his mouth, he didn't even bother to cover it in front of the client standing before him.

His client wore a red suit with a white tie and dress shirt, his shoes were white as well, a red fedora covered the equally red hair on top of the youthful man's head. His eyes were a blind white even though he had the best vision in this universe, he looked the very image of the devil with a smile that could curdle a goats stomach.

"So... will you kill him?" The client asked, question clipped and to the point. The red man refused to sit in the seat.

The blond man leaned forward, expertly catching the sai with 2 fingers, feet falling off of the desk to slam on the floor, "Yeah I'll kill him, but I'm going to need a few things, money being the obvious first. I'm not gonna get my hands dirty for someone who wears red like it's going out of style, and for you buddy it is, yeesh. The second thing being a way to go to the future since there's no telling how long it will be til the guy shows up and becomes the vigilanty that you want dead so much. Since you're supposedly from the future and all that time-traveler stuff. Cuz I have other jobs to do, how much your paying could certainly set me up for life but I like my work and I'm not gonna stop killing no matter how much anyone's offering. Which means there's the slim, and I mean _very_ slim, possibility of me biting the dust. I have yet to die so my fail record is Zero, anyone I'm set loose on dies. So get me a way to the future and my paycheck. Then I'm free to put a bullet through the _would-be_ hero's head."

The red man reached into his breif case, the blond going still, eyes intent on the red man. The blond was prepared for a gun, there have been plenty of assassins with a death wish coming in to try and kill him, all failing of course. The red man pulled out a belt instead, it had an unusual design but it didn't look all that futuristic. White inside of black inside of red, it looked pretty tacky if anything. The red man set it on the desk, pushing it toward the blond. The blond looked at it, then the red man, then back again at the belt.

"Uhm... what is this exactly? This isn't the type of money that I'm wanting, and no matter how much it's worth in the future, here... it's probably useless." The blond said, lifting the belt up with one hand, eyebrow rising.

The red man chuckled, "That isn't the money, that is the device which you need to get to the future."

The blond quickly held it away like it would bite, letting out a disbelieving chuckle, "okay buddy, I was humoring you for a few minutes because I was bored to death. Now I know someone is trying to punk me, or you're completely crazy. And I will not stand for any crazies in my newly refurbished office, excepting myself that is."

The red man bent over and started laughing, he finally sat down and wheezed for a couple of minutes, it sounded like he might lose a lung if he had kept on. The blond's eyebrow raised ever higher, he whipped out a gun, from some hidden place, and placed it against the red man's forehead.

"Get out of my office or I'll blow your brains out, I'm giving you a chance to exit my office with your head attached to your shoulders instead of in a cooler pal. As I said... _I just had this place refurbished_." The blond said cooly, an edge of ice and seriousness hinted in his tone, emphasized by his ice blue eyes.

The red man sat up, grinning from ear to ear, he touched the two white dots on the belt buckle, and then he was gone. The blond sat up, eyes wide in surprise, looking around, trying to find the red man.

The air in front of the blond turned black for a split second, then he had an excellent view of the red man's face. His white iris-less eyes looked into the blond's own. The startled blond spluttered for a second, attempting to step back but the red man had a hold of his collar quicker than a snake.

"I'm being perfectly sane son, now... do we have a deal?" The red man asked, letting go of the blond who twisted to regain his balance. The red man held out a hand, expecting a handshake to finish the deal instead of a contract.

The blond glared at the red man, but took the hand, "Deal..." the blond punched the red man in the stomach with his left.

"And if you ever call me _son_ again, you'll wish you were the one I was killing instead of arachni-boy. Call me Wade, Wade Winston Wilson. Whichever floats your boat."

The red man grinned, patting Wade's shoulder. "My name is Lee V. Ram... it was a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Wade, I hope you kill him, because if you don't ... I'll have to kill you both." And with that, the red man vanished, a pile of money in the corner before the blond man can blink.

"Well, that certainly wasn't boring... I hope that Spider-man is as entertaining as he was... hmmm... I wonder if Weasel bought my Mexican food yet?"


	6. Suicidiphilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter talks with his lead to finding his parents, while Spider-man takes on the newest, not-so-friendly, Reptilian villain who just happens to be the kind Dr. Connors that is his lead.
> 
> And the after effects of the fight leave Peter depressed. And just when he's about to do something in desperation, a monster appears... and gives him a pep talk? O.o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> XD SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN SO LONG!!!! But I'm putting my other fanfic-children on Hiatus right now because inspiration has been struck... seriously hating myself for what I have planned for these 2 Dorks...
> 
> I'm gonna go ahead and post the songs that work with these chapters this one Fight Song by Rachel Platten!
> 
> Fall Out Boy and other boy bands are going to be a reocurring theme here. XD

Peter Parker fist pumps. He has finally managed to hack into some of the Oscorp files that had the mysterious ∅∅–that are undoubtably associated with his father's work. 

It contains a lot of the same information Peter had found on the Internet, the file in his Father's breif case, and old newspaper clippings he had searched through in the New York Public Library. But this file confirmed a definite lead as to where he should look for answers, well, more like _who_ he should be asking. Dr. Connors was apparently his father's life-long bestfriend/science partner if the Newspapers, Internet Articles, and Oscorp Official Confidential Files have any truth in them.

Peter continues to search for Dr. Connors home address. The alarm beeps.

"EUREKA!!!!!!" Peter shouts, pushing himself away from the desk arms akimbo and legs outstretched. He uses too much force, the wheels snag on the rug, and Peter is soon acquainted with his floor.

•Well that dramatic effect was quickly ruined. Way-ta-go geek.• Devon pops up right infront of Peter's nose, leaning on his forehead to inspect his, incredibly sharp looking claw-like nails.

Andy appears in a ball of smoke on Peter's neck. °Shut up Devon! This is great news! We finally have a lead on Peter's father! Nothing could make this day bad!!!°

•You just jinxed it moron.• Devon grins devilishly, his typical expression when he is bantering with Andy.

Andy opens his mouth to say something.

"Peter, are you alright up there?! It sounded like you fell through the floor!" Aunt May calls, concern heavy in her voice. 

_I don't deserve her concern... I don't deserve her at all..._

"Yeah I'm fine Aunt May! Just fell out of bed is all!" Peter yells back, voicing the opposite of what was true, standing up and setting the swivel chair back up.

The selfies looked at each other from across Peter's shoulders, worry clear in their eyes.

Peter ignored them and began his day. He wasn't going to focus on the past, not today; He was going to focus on something else, the future.

 

******************************************************

Dr. Connors was wonderful, he made Peter feel like he was actually talking to his Father. And Dr. Connors was ecstatic that Peter could keep up with his scientific ladden conversation.

Then Peter brought forth the equation that would save Dr. Connors research from being closed down.

To Dr. Connors, Peter was an angel sent from heaven. He had just saved his job, had an honest-to-god conversation with him and not get bored or lose track, and given him the one thing that could make his dream of having two arms again within his grasp.

Peter got to hear more about his Father than even Uncle Ben and Aunt May had known. He felt like his Father was no longer some Eidolon but an actual person. He even heard what his Mother and Father's soulbond was. It was the ∅ symbol over their heart.

 _So_ that's _what it meant._

But little did Peter know what he had just given Dr. Connors, what appeared to be an obvious answer... was a disastrous trick planted by Richard Parker himself. In case anyone actually found his clues for his son.

********************************************************

The selfies made themselves scarce when his spider-sense went off.

Spider-man knew he had a problem when Dr. Connors's eyes turned from dark blue to sickly neon green with slitted pupils. Dr. Connors had done the stupidest thing a scientist could do, what a desperate man would do, a desperate man who made it his life's work to create a Syrum that could regenerate body parts.

Instead of being safe, and waiting for all the testing to be done, he had went ahead with the human trial, and on himself instead of a healthy human clone test subject. Not only was it highly illegal, but even if it did work, it would have unusual effects on a unique specimen such as Dr. Connors.

It wasn't designed with Dr. Connors DNA in mind, it was designed with Mr. Osborn's DNA afterall.

And Mr. Osborn had a fatal disease. One he had seen in the early stages when he had played with his son, Harry Osborn, when he still lived with his biological parents. The shaky hands, the long disgusting fingernails, the knarled and twisted fingers, and the green sickly skin that would peel off in chunks if you weren't careful. Peter had only seen Mr. Osborn's hand because of the tent surrounding his bed when Harry had taken him to visit his father. It was one of the few and only memories he had of Harry and Mr. Osborn together. But it was enough to tell that Mr. Connors could definitely have a bad reaction to the syrum, and if his sudden temper flare that made his spider-sense make him feel like his head was vibrating was any indication, then the simple fact that Dr. Connors wasn't his usual calm self was.

Spider-man knew what had to be done, and with the help of Gwen Stacy, it was. But at a price...

*********************************************

Peter pushes Gwen away, refusing to acknowledge her. Not attending the funeral, but going the day after, the last words of Captain George Stacy ringing in his ears whenever he thought of talking to his daughter. Holding him back, keeping her as safe as possible... if only it was that easy.

Gwen was determined to keep Peter, determined not to let him go. Peter broke up with her, breaking her heart, but keeping her safe.

Peter stared at the tombstone, the shiny dark marble, the finely engraved words of acknowledging his couragous acts, and his undeniable sacrifice for the city. The very testament that he had screwed up again. That his hands were becoming even more tainted with unintentional blood shed. Of the tears of heart break and familial sorrow only made possible because of him... the failure of not being able to reach redemption with just Uncle Ben's blood. 

Peter cried, curling up into a little ball, right there on the ground. Once he ran out of tears, he got up, and walked away. A newspaper, using one of his own selfies he had sold to J.J. Jamison, was proclaiming that everything had gone wrong was because of one single person, A familiar red and blue vigilantee, was being swept by the wind and getting caught by his foot, as if saying, "It's you! It's your fault! You are responsible for this tragedy!"

Peter had had enough. To him, there was only one option left.

***************************************

Peter stands at the top of the empire state building. It's closed today, so nobody sees him change into his civilian cloths. He had webbed he sports bag containing his costume above the ceiling panels, on a floor or 2 below, nobody would find them if they weren't looking for them. He jumps onto the railing, the wind blowing his coffee brown hair back, puffy red hazel-brown eyes look out on the city. The city he had failed to protect. He looks down, vision wavering at the height. Peter jumps back down, head resting against the railing, 

"I'm so tired... but it'll all be over soon. I'm sorry Aunt May, I'm sorry I can't tell you that it was my fault that Uncle Ben died... I'm sorry Dr. Connors, for handing you the formula that ruined your life and shattered your dreams... I'm sorry Gwen, for breaking your heart not once, but twice...*sob* I'm sorry Captain Stacy, for not taking that fatal wound instead of you... and I'm so soooo sorry...*sobs* Uncle Ben... *sob* I'm sorry that I couldn't be the man that I should've been... I'm sorry that I didn't do something to make a difference... *sobs* I wish I had lived up to your expectations... I'm the scum of the earth... and I didn't deserve for you to call me your son... I'll never deserve-"

The glass doors shatter behind Peter, a blur of red and black leather, katanas, and gun fire dashes out. A dozen of typical New York ebony fedora, black suit wearing mobsters pull out machine guns and rapid fire at the leather clad man. The katanas are removed from the back-strap sheaths. What comes next is something that can only be a scene out of the matrix. The red and black masked man cuts, deflects, and ricochetts every single bullet fired.

"Rat-a-tat-tat this bitches!!!!" The katana weilding master yells sinisterly, maniacal laughter making Peter's spider-sense harshly resonate in the back of his skull.

The Mobsters go down, one of their own bullets in their stomach, head, or chest. All of them dead, all of them bleeding more blood than Peter has ever seen. One of them catches Peter's eye. He's the only one conscious, and he's looking at Peter like he's trying to say something.

"...ruhnn-"

A single bullet to the forehead, right between the eyes, silenced the worried mobster.

Peter looks at the shooter, memories coming back, flashbacks of Uncle Ben's eyes going cold, of Captain Stacy's face when he died in his arms. Peter sags to the ground, bile rising in the back of his throat. One word sinks into his mind to describe the killer that's whistling the theme song of My Little Pony...

_Monster_

The masked killer's head whips to the exact place Peter is.

"I thought you were going to commit suicide... from that crappy ass apology eulogy you were ranting about not a minute ago. I come up here to find a nice quiet abandoned place to kill these guys without a witness and find this, albeit cute brunette, jailbait kid ranting about how his life is so bad and that he's sorry he was ever born or some shit like that. Just go home, slit your wrists or something in your bathroom, and call it a life. Cuz nobody needs a whinnying ass bitch like you. You look like some pussy rich kid that just realized that nobody gives a shit. Your life was practically handed to you on a silver platter wasn't it kid?" The masked killer ambles forward, strutting like he owns the whole damn city.

Peter instantly hates him.

"What do you know about my life!? And what gives you the right to say shit like that!? I'm not a rich kid! I'm just sick of everyone dying around me! My life has been a hell hole from the very fucking beginning!!!! Try having a soulmate from birth that is always getting fatally injured. Try having your parents abandon you be the only real memory of them! Try having your Uncle, that's been your father, die because of you and in your arms no less! *sob* Try having the girl of your dreams be in danger just by being around her... and her father dying because of you! *sob* Try having to go home to a caring loving Aunt May who makes you feel guilty without trying or knowing because you're too afraid and selfish to say that *sobs* Uncle Ben died because of me... *sob* Try being me for ONE FUCKING DAY and not feel like killing yourself!" Peter turns into a puddle of tears, wilting, all the strength going out of his limbs, curling into himself. His shirt is ruined from all the snotty and tears.

The masked killer looks down at Peter, squats down, and parks his tush next to him.

"Your life does sound like a living hell... but ... your hell has a lot more perks than your giving credit for."

Peter slowly looks up, Peter is truly puzzled as to why he is still alive. The masked monster seems to wink from under his mask.

"What do you mean perks?" Peter mumbles from under his arms.

"Well for starters... you're alive, you have a life. You can move forward from the bad spots of your past. Then there is the fact that you obviously have people that genuinely care for you by the sounds of it. Uncle Ben was it?" The man looks at Peter for confirmation, Peter gives a nod that amounts to his hair fluffing with static.

"He probably died protecting you, or trying to do something or talk to you. Now don't give me that look baby face, you are definitely under 18 and you're still in the teenage hormonal period and did something stupid like run off after you had a disagreement or something." Peter looked like a gapping fish.

"Well you hit the nail on the head..." Peter manages to mutter after the gold fish episode.

The masked man's grin was visible from even under the mask, "I am quite a detective in my own right, now less with the flattery and more with the list. You also have a really sweet Aunt, if what you said was true about you being there when your Uncle bit the dus- I mean... er..." Peter arched his eyebrow.

" _died_ … you were there with him weren't you? You probably called the police to try and save him. Now your Aunt May sounds like a smart enough woman to put 2 and 2 together. She knows kid, and she's forgiven you in her own way, and probably waiting for you to tell her because she doesn't want to traumatize you even more." Peter nodded dumbly, blush appearing on his face.

"There's also that _dream girl_ you were crying about. Her dad was probably some cop or something... maybe FBI some big wig maybe? Anyway, he died next to you after blocking you from what got him. His last words went something like this, 'Promise me one thing, don't go near my daughter, you're trouble and you'll probably get her killed.' Am I right? Or am I right? Said dream girl is a typical 'I-won't-allow-my-parents-to-control-my-life' teenager. Booksmart but not Streetsmart I'd imagine."

Peter blinks several times, _How the hell... Is he a fucking mind reader on top of being an insane badass!?_ …

"I'll take the silence and 23 blinks as a yes then. You are alive, and this next part will definitely sound cheesy but it's true, Uncle Len-"

"Ben" Peter corrects with lightning speed.

"Yeah yeah, I said that! Ben Len!? TomAto TomAHto, PotAto Mr. Potato, same difference, don't interrupt... it's rude, raise your hand next time." He huffs. Peter has the urge to laugh at the obvious pout on the unusually expressionable face since he has a mask on; and normally that covers up the grins and eyebrow quirks but this man seems to defy the standards of normal, well the standards for normal for Spider-man that is.

"Where was I after I was so rudely interrupted!?" The killer quirks his eyebrow to an impossible height, appearing to, not so subtly, say with his face directed at Peter who rudely interrupted him, giving a cough in his general direction. Peter attempts to hide his giggle and raises his hand. _Okay, I'll play to your rules but I'm just doing it because it's entertaining._

He grins from ear to ear, pointing at Peter, "Yes young sir? Yes you who is politely holding his hand up to interrupt my inner monologue/diologue!?"

"You were at the it's cheesy but true-"

The masked man pats Peter's shoulder, "ahh yes... what I was going to say was that he lives on through you, he was like your real father figure in life, do you think that he would be proud of what you just tried to do!?"

Peter looks down, guilt poking at his heart, "No... he'd probably beat my ass til it was blue and black, drag me back home by my ear, nail my toes to the back of his car, and drive to the hospital... yep... he'd be pissed as hell but he would have knocked some sense into me. Probably wouldn't do all of that but would still have metaphorical smoke coming out of his ears. But I can't help it... I feel like if I died everything would be better for everyone!" Peter sighs. _Is he actually trying to pep talk me!? And is it really working!?_

"So you think you dying and leaving your Aunt TRULY ALONE would make things better!? That your dream girl would feel better that her dad died trying to save your ass only for you to toss that life off of the top of the empire state building, using it like it's the giant middle finger of New York City and saying 'FUCK YOU' to everyone who died for you and who is still alive and depending on you for strength!? Do something with your life kid, unlike me, you could die from something as simple as a knock to the back of the head. You got one life, you can't insert a quarter for 3 more tries, so get your head on straight, go home, and make things as normal as you can."

Peter doesn't know what to say, he just starts to cry a little again.

"See, you don't actually want to die right? Nobody does, not even me really, too many assholes to kill and too many new Mexican food joints to sample." The masked man explains, Peter can't resist the smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth. _Am I seriously smiling in the presense of a mass murderer!?_

"You look even cuter with a smile, what's your name kid?" The masked man asks, hand held out an offer to help the gangly youth up.

_Yes... yes I am._

Peter takes it, his fingers feel funny... like static electricity is about to zap them both, "My name is Peter... Peter Parker. And what's yours? I mean, yo-you don't have to tell me if it means you have to kill me, I-I haven't seen your face or anything..." _Smooth Peter_ SMOOTH _not only did I give him my full name, my first name would have sufficed, but I just reminded the psycotic killer that he_ IS _a psychotic killer._

"Introductions! Call me Deadpool! It rhymes with no-school, too-cool, ain't-no-fool, and **I'm-the-best-at-what-I-do**...-ool. MOVING ON! So I've run into a bit of a co-nun-drum here Petey-pie... I wasn't suppose to let anyone see that I slept these ass hats with the fish-ezzzzz if you know what I mean. But we're acquainted now, and we just had a casual conversation without my boxes popping up which is really weird but has totally made my day." Deadpool claps excitedly. _Do I even WANT to know about that last part!?_

"Plus I don't like killing minors and you have a really cute baby face... hmmm... nickname game nickname game... hmmm! SUCCESS! BABY BOY!!!! That is your title in my presence now!!! Or Petey-pie cuz that's totally adorbs too." Deadpool shouts, pointing and circling Peter's face with an outstretched index finger.

"So I'm gonna let you slide on this one Baby-Boy *giggle* so remember, don't walk into any dark alley's til you're atleast 18 if you want to find a Hooker that will give you any-ting you woant, bring a condum or risk losing your boy-hood, stay in school but avoid going places alone because, you maybe cute but, you are most definitely a geek... or a hipster... can't really tell these days but you're sending off nerd vibes if my common sense is working, and don't accept candy from strangers, only Mexican food, and if you're offered Indian food throw it back in their face and run for your life... your stomach will be thanking me later." Deadpool lists off, he then jumps onto the railing, and off of the empire state building.

Peter lunges for Deadpool on pure instinct, and is 2 centimeters from grabbing his ankle. Deadpool falls. Peter commences to freaking out. _Do I jump after him!? But if I do then I'll reveal myself as Spider-man! But he'll die if I don't!!!! DAMNIT!!!_

Right as Peter is about to make his decision, Deadpool appears with a jetpack, he waves.

"WHAT THE FUCK MAN!? YOU JUST TOLD ME NOT TO JUMP AND THEN YOU GO AND DO IT!? WHAT THE HELL!?" Peter screeches over the sound of the jetpacks engines.

"SORRY BABY-BOY! BUT I FORGOT TO SAY THAT I BORROWED ONE FROM THE MEN IN BLACK OVER THERE!!!" Deadpool yells back.

"THINK ABOUT YOUR SOULMATE MORE IDIOT!!! WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T HAD A JETPACK!? OR IF IT SPAZZED OUT ON YOU MORON!?" Peter screams, both hands on the railing, leaning over a little.

"HAH! FUNNY CO-INK-E-DINK!!! I'M ACTUALLY HERE TO LOOK FOR MY SOULMATE, YOUR'S SOUNDS LIKE A SON OVA BITCH AND ME BEING ME! I PROBABLY KNOW THEM!!! BUT YEAH! I CAN'T DIE ALTHOUGH IT WOULD HURT LIKE A MOFO; BUT I HAVE A HEALING FACTOR AND ME AND DEATH HAVE TEA-PARTIES EVERY FRIDAY. BUT NOW THAT I KNOW THAT I HAVE ONE I NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THAT SORT OF STUFF I GUESS!" Deadpool casually yells, Peter just shakes his head. _whoever his soulmate is doesn't know what they signed up for, but atleast this guy is making an effort to change his ways and look for them. Lucky bastard, mine doesn't believe I exist._

"OH!!! AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE PO-PO COME!!! OTHERWISE THEY'LL THINK IT WAS YOU! BUT EVEN I KNOW THAT'S TOTAL BULLSHIT! OH LOOKIE!!! THE EPILEPTIC LIGHTS ARE FLASHING AND THANK SAMANTHA'S TACO SHACK THAT I CAN'T HERE THOSE ANNOYING AS FUCK SIRENS! YOU BETTER SKIDDADDLE PETEY-PIE!!! DON'T WANT TO CAUSE MORE TROUBLE FOR YOUR AUNT NOW DO YOU!?" Deadpool yells, Peter's hearing _could_ pick up the sirens though.

Deadpool flies away, "OUCH MY BUTT'S BURNING!!!!!" Peter couldn't resist a laugh. _Did I just have a pep talk with An insane mass murderer, survive the encounter, and actually become more optimistic!? And what the heck is with all these rhetorical questions I keep asking myself?_

Peter snags his bag from above the ceiling panel, makes like a tree and leaves. Peter had already hacked the security cameras before he entered the building. "Being a nerd has it's perks too I guess."

Spider-man is back.

...and with a new costume prototype idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peter's suit right now~ http://yukimeyaoi.deviantart.com/art/Peter-Sketch-498672056 
> 
> By the lovely yukimeyaoi on Deviant art!!!!
> 
> Look up http://yukimeyaoi.deviantart.com/art/Team-Up-501024060 teamup!!!! YAAAS!
> 
> ~eventually and not in that suit unfortunately ...


	7. Inveniophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool gets distracted in his search for his soulmate... but only you readers and I know what's right in front of his nose! XD
> 
> And Deadpool really hates beer bottles now... because they ruin everything. :3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS SO MUCH CORTEXIKID FOR LETTING ME VENT! I NEEDED THAT! XD
> 
> The song for this chapter is... *drum rolls*
> 
> Find You by Zedd!
> 
> I know, I know... the chapter title sort of gives it away, but you'd have to translate it to Latin to figure that little bit of information out! ;D

Deadpool flies away to his shared apartment in the Bronx. 

_One good deed have I done today._

[You weren't suppose to leave any witnesses!]

{White! Not even you could hurt that adorable depressed kid! Did you SEE the hurt, soulful, and beyond irresistible coffee eyes!?}

[I admit, he was cute... but that still doesn't change the fact that we blew the most specified part of that mission... King Pin's not gonna be happy.]

_King Pin can go eat some more twinkies for all I care. I'm not gonna kill a kid for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Besides... did-u-c-those puppy brown eyes!? To shoot that boy and make those eyes dull would be a crime against the world!_

{Not to mention... **DAT ASS!** }

[*cough, cough* minor remember?! That boy is probably still in middle school!]

{Can't help it! HE'S PUSHING ALL OF OUR FAVORITE BUTTONS! WE CAN'T HELP THAT THE LIGHT SABER TURNS ON! *ZZZZZHIN-ZHHHAN*}

_Ok... didn't realize that little man woke up._

[Did we just get a hard-on thinking about a kid that probably cost us money? _AND_ time in our search for your soulmate!]

_Yeah, him being a kid is a bit of a turn-off but a look at those eyes..._

{ _DAT ASS!_ }

_Was worth it! Again Yellow... no pervy thoughts, a mercenary I may be, but a Pedo, I am not._

[Wade your words are passive tense and Yellow's light saber reference makes me think that we've watched too much Star Wars Rebels lately.]

{I resent that statement!}

_Yoda isn't even IN it!_

[yet...]

_Touché_

{I'm huuuuuuuungry! Let's stop by Samantha's Taco Shack!}

[Samantha's Taco Shack doesn't even exist in this universe... I think?]

{THE HOOOOORROOOOOR!!! BLASPHEMY!!!!! NO SELF RESPECTING UNIVERSE DOESN'T HAVE A SAMANTHA'S TACO SHACK!!!}

***************************

A cantine is parked outside of the apartment, Weasel seems to be haggling with the owner.

"What do you mean you don't have any chimichangas!? Wade's gonna KILL ME! YOUR SIGN SAYS THAT YOU SERVE CHIMICHANGAS!" Weasel yells in desperation.

"Well now, " the fat man in a tye-dyed t-shirt says smuggly from inside the food truck, "It says that we're out of order. So either get NACHOS or get out of line."

Weasel is fuming, face a blotchy red, he runs his hands through greasy unwashed hair, "The only thing that _ISN'T_ out of order are the damn NACHOS!!! WHAT SORT OF FOOD TRUCK ONLY SERVES NACHOS!?" Weasel peeks into the truck.

"You lying sonovabitch... you have a stack of chimichangas... and there's also a box of taco packages!!!!" Weasel is ready to rip the smelly obese New Yorker's head off.

*********************

Deadpool decides to let his roommate handle this one. He touches down on the roof of their apartment building. Once inside of the filthy shared apartment Deadpool discards the heavy equipment and stolen- _borrowed_ \- jetpack, tossing them on top of ancient Pizza boxes from the tenants that inhabited the apartment before them. The smell of rotten floorboards, rank food... and something else... 

Blind-Al grumbles from her pile of blankets and pillows in the corner. Wade walks over and fondly ruffles the grey fluff that Al calls hair.

"Wade, you take out Mr. Snookums for a walk yet? That ferret refused to, saying that you'd kill him if you didn't get that border-jumper food." She huffs.

"What!? Not even a _hello Wade! How was your day?_ " Wade asks, throwing is hands up in mock disgust.

"I didn't get a _honey I'm home_ so that makes us even, so how _was_ your day other than the senseless killing and reckless endangerment of your life?" Blind Al snips back, quick as a snake.

"Hardy har har. You _know_ I can't be killed, you've cleaned up enough of the blood stains in my past apartments to know. And how a blind woman knows when the stains are gone is beyond me." Wade responds, walking towards the front door, grabbing the dog leash.

"It's cuz we senile old women have the instincts to know when somethings not clean-"

"Like this apartment? Cuz I've spotted about 20 different kinds of cockroaches and there's the thing from under the sink that ate my last taco." Wade cuts her off, walking back to Blind Al.

"The _old_ tenants left it this way, and I know we'll be leaving again soon. You never stay in one place for too long, and I only clean up your messes, that was the deal remember?" She replies.

"yeah, yeah. I remember ya old bat." Wade chuckles, he snags Mr. Snookums from his doggy bed. The over-grown pup grumbles, "Great... your grumpy moods have worn off on him... you've tainted him with your old person cooties."

"Can't help that, anyone would be grumpy if they had to stay in this stink hole for 3 weeks straight, only going outside to shit or piss."

"And in the company of Queen sourpuss." Deadpool remarks, setting the mutt down, Mr. Snookums begins to whine, scratching at the door like 100 tons of bacon is on the other side.

"You never did answer my question Wade." Al says, her voice soft like a well worn and loved old quilt.

"What question?" Wade asks, hand itching to turn the door-knob and escape the obvious question.

"You may be able to change the subject Wilson, but we both know that it's eating at you... the same way that damn ca-"

"BYE AL! I'LL SEE YOU LATER! GOT TO GET A CHIMICHANGA OR I'LL SHOOT WEASEL IN THE LEG... AGAIN!" Wade slams the door, running away from both Al and her question.

"I'll take that as a no... guilt is still making his shoulders heavy. His footsteps are almost deafening with the amount of noise his heels make. Whoever his soulmate is... if you hurt him, I'll find a way to hurt you more." Blind Al promises.

********************

They have to relocate again once the King Pin finds out about the witness and blows up Weasel's, Deadpool's and Blind Al's, temporary, apartment.

Wade wishes he could contact Baby-Boy, but there's literally nothing to track him down with, the cameras were dissabled and the kid left nothing but his name. Which was really suspicious, but Wade wasn't going to ask seeing as King Pin liked to insure things himself.

A newspaper slaps Wade in the face. He has been walking down an alley to avoid the stares of disgust for his skin, he couldn't wear his awesome outfit _all_ the time. It rubbed his skin and hurt after a couple of hours. And there were still holes from the bomb in the, now destroyed, apartment; since, his body could heal but his suit was just fabric and leather plus a bullet proof vest.

A can klinks and the sound of running foot steps calls to attention Wade's Common sense. Wade turns around to find a handgun in his face. The barrel gleams with oil, this guy doesn't know how to clean a fucking gun, let alone hold it right.

There's actually a group of gangly gangster wannabe's holding Taurus Judges like they have the arm strength of a built and buff gun expert. Only a few people can actually shoot a gun with one hand and not knock themselves out from the recoil. And this is apparently a group of newbie muggers with neon hair extentions and Emo bangs.

[Just our luck.]

{They even, probably, stole the crappiest hand guns in history! TAURUS JUDGE SUCKS! HOW COULD THEY ENDORSE THE ASSHOLES THAT CREATED THAT PEICE OF SHIT!?}

 _I don't know either Yellow, maybe they raided the reject pile at Toys R Us? But we can't exactly whoop their asses we_ are _trying to stay off of the radar with King Pin looking for our, yet to be found, new hideout._

[Don't forget that he's looking for us. A case of a guy getting a bullet to his head and having the piece of mangled metal pop out like it hit rubber is something we should definitely avoid getting out to tub-tub.]

"Give us your money trench coat an' nobody gets a bullet!" Says The punk holding the, mess of metal that they call a, gun to Wade's head.

The twerps behind him cheer him on to pull the trigger and watch the "suspicious guy go splat". Wade holds his hands up and takes out his wallet. _Giving away my hard earned money really pisses me off... once I've got enough info I'm gonna make you go on microsuction marshmallow, as payback._

The teens cackle with glee, they form a circle around the delinquent holding the wallet. Thinking they are distracted, Wade tries to back away and get out of the alley and into the light of New York City. The light that keeps these creeps in the shadows.

Wade makes an amature mistake and trips over a beer bottle, kissing the concrete with his ass. This draws the unwanted attention of the group of malevolent imps. They circle around him like vultures again and Wade internally groans over the stupid mistake.

"Where ya goin' trench coat? Why ya bein' so antsy? Don't ya wanna show us yer pretty face?" A lacky, with orange highlighted hair, asks, giggling at his own joke, voice sounding like it just hit puberty. Wade has to fight the urge to knock the jackass's teeth out.

Another one, that really needs to not lay the grease on his hair so thick, pushes Wade back. Wade nearly trips on that same beer bottle from before.

{Can we PLEAAAAAAASE just blow these little shits up with the c4 we have in our special pocket!?}

[That would be unwise, King Pin has one of the most exstensive illegal networks in the world. And we're in his _bedroom_ , so if we so much as _sneeze_ wrong we'll be found.]

_But if we don't do something, they'll find us out no matter if we sneeze or NOT! And we still have to search for our soulmate!_

*thwip thwip*

In Wade's moment of distracting inner-dialogue Spider-man swings by and webs the crooks upside down to the fire escape stairways. Spider-man snatches the wallet, and confiscates the worthless handguns. He strolls over to Wade, whistling his popular theme song.

Wade just stands frozen, he blinks a few times from underneath the black fedora that covers his face in shadows. Spider-man waves his hand in front of Wade's face, snaps his fingers right between his eyes, then just taps him on the shoulder.

Wade shares a policy with a certain Disney character. Wade takes the vigilantee by surprise and tosses him over his shoulder by pure instinct.

"NO TOUCHY!" Wade yells, crossing his arms and forming an x over his chest.

Spider-man splutters on the ground, the wind knocked out of him from surprise.

"Someone's a little... _touchy_ … well it seems like you didn't even _need_ my help." Spider-man slowly gets up and places Wade's wallet near the stupid beer bottle that caused all of this mess.

"Well I gotta get back to my neighborhood watch job-"

"You copied Deadpool's suit..." Wade murmurs still stunned by Spider-man's appearance.

Spider-man scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, "I did but I didn't ... I have webs, two spiders, it's blue not black, and... no pouches. Anyway, as I was saying I gotta-"

"Why?"

Spider-man stopped mid step, turning to the trench coat clad Wade, "Because he has some good in him, I see him as misunderstood, like me. And he's the reason why I'm still here, well... my _friend_ is still here. It was nice having a chat with a citizen, one that hasn't thrown a random object at me anyway. You don't watch a lot of J.J. do you? Cuz you were actually having a civil conversation with me without being mean."

Wade couldn't help the grin tugging at the corners of his lips, "I don't know, maybe I can take the shoe off of that dude that's wiggling a lot over there. They look like a hefty pair of kleets. But what do you mean Deadpool's misunderstood? He's a mercenary, and he kills people for money."

"Well, to the kleet question I really don't want to be hit by a buff guy like you with a shoe with shiny spikes, I just made this awesome new suit after all, and it would hurt. But I use to think that too, until he stopped my friend from commiting suicide. Deadpool probably doesn't even remember him but he could have killed him for being a witness, was _supposed to_ kill him for being a witness, but instead he calmed him down, talked to him, stopped him from doing something really... really stupid, and let him go without a scratch. If Deadpool has good in him like that, then anyone does, " Spider-man explains, then glares at the flies in the web, "and it stops me from just beating the living shit out of seemingly worthless insects like these trouble-makers. Because they have parents and siblings and children and friends just like any other human being, those that are just evil... well, their kith and kin don't deserve that sort of pain, but there are those who just stepped off of the path... a little misguided... lost, that deserve a second chance, like Deadpool gave my friend... a second chance.

Wade is awed by the masked Spider, _He's also pretty hot... that spandex is making shy guy down under want to say hello, good thing I'm wearing a trench coat or this would be really awkward. He somehow just made us sound really cool! LIKE CAPTAIN AMERICA!!! HE MADE US SOUND LIKE A HERO!!! How is that EVEN possible!?_

Spider-man swings away, while Wade reflects on his confession. He glances at the newspaper from earlier, a picture of the web-headed Spider printed on the front page slandering his deeds, the newspaper is J.J.'s. Wade almost rips it to shreds in disgust, from the obvious lies, but a name catches his eyes. It all clicks. _Peter Parker._

"So That's who Spider-man's friend is... and he supplies pictures of Spider-man to slander, what a way to back stab a friend."

[He obviously doesn't know that his friend is Spider-man]

{And a really cool laid back guy!}

Wade holds the newspaper in his hands, letting the light shine on the paper. The answer to finding Peter and warning him.

_My soulmate can wait, they would most likely not like that this kid died because I didn't warn him._

Wade whips out his flip phone from an inner pocket, speed dialing 2.

"Hey Bob? It's Deadpool, yeah, I need a little favor... could you get me into New York Daily building? I want to be discreet on this one... oh it's nothing, just wanted to find someone. No-no, don't worry I'm not gonna blow up another building... HEY! THAT LAST ONE WAS **NOT** ME! I just messed up a mission and the big bastard that hired me didn't like it. So... you gonna get me in or not?" Wade hangs up, and deposits his phone back into his mysterious pocket.

Wade tosses the news paper in the trash _where it belongs_ , strolling towards the building with answers.

All of the answers, but ... Wade doesn't know this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most heavy the irony be in this chapter... seriously, heavy on the end.
> 
> And yes... passive tense is fun when you imagine yourself as Yoda for the day... MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU!!! EVERYBODY NEEDS TO HAVE A STAR WARS MARATHON ON THAT DAY!!! NO EXCUSES!!! YODA WILL FIND YOU!!!! DARTH VADER WILL DISOWN YOU IF YOU DON'T! XD


	8. Ciuîsphilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Soooooo here's the next chapter!!! XD HOPE YOU ENJOY!
> 
> this chapter's song is... Move Along by All American Rejects!!!!!!! XD ONE OF MY FAVORITES!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New villain, new photos, new secret hiding spots, and another death... Or the day that things go wrong for Spider-man... again.

"I'll show them... try to take my company before I die. I worked too goddamn hard for those board member fuckers to take everything away from me, damn you King Pin!... I have to find a cure."

The T.V., on an expensive wall mount, reports Spider-man catching a stolen Oscorp van containing highly dangerous and tremendously expensive chemicals.

"That's it... I've been so blind! Spider-man must have been the one who tampered with the experiment!"

A picture of Spider-man crawling up the empire state building flashes on the screen.

"And he got bit! It works!!! He must have the secret!... all is not lost... I can be cured!"

The desperate man grins like the devil, calling his assistant.

"Get me the goblin suit."

"But sir! It's still not out of the testing phase yet! It could make your condition wors-"

The dying man grabs his assistant, "Get me that suit. Or you won't get your boy those artificial legs."

In the end, the assistant got the suit.

*************************************

Peter darts into the Daily Bugle, expertly avoiding collisions with the employees getting off of work for lunch. Peter Parker is late, story of his life, because of a Russian asshole by the name of Aleksei Sytsevich. He also saved a super nerd that had the best hydro electrical plant blueprints he had ever seen. He wasn't exactly the coolest guy, nervous and stunned by his near death, but definitely a guy that Peter could have a nice scientific chat with.

•Yeah yeah yeah we get it. Your a nerd, let's move on to more important things... being late for example?•

_Will you zip it!? I'm TRYING to get to Daily Bugle with all of my limbs attached!_

•You sure tried not to. You did get hit by an ambulance, and tossed out of the stolen truck, using your own body to block a BUS from hitting Mr. Wang and company… Not to mention that the canister almost cracked which would've made traffic disappear like Houdini.•

°Ignore him, I do it and it works splendidly!°

_Lucky you_

That aside, he is late, no amount of web slinging could get him here fast enough, but he couldn't exactly _swing_ his way into J-Jay's office, the same J-Jay that wants Spider-man's head on a spike on top of Lady Liberty's crown, drenched in gasoline and blazing for all the world to see. And Spider-man just so happens to be Peter Parker, which means bad news.

Peter bolts through a cluster of old ladies who are standing there talking about which sweater to get their grandkids.

°How adorable!°

•*gagging noise*•

Peter makes it through and dashes for the stairs, no one goes on these unless the elevator is out, and this being Daily Bugle, there is a slim to none chance of that ever happening. Clambering up the stairs with Spider-man's wall-crawling abilities makes it faster than just using the stairs, still doesn't change the fact that he is now _very_ late.

Peter makes it to the top, bursting out of the door and scaring the crap out of Joy Mercado, an investigator that's been snooping around Spider-man: sometimes too close for comfort. 

Peter's Spidey-sense resonates just before Joy splatters Peter with her boiling hot coffee. Peter avoids getting it splashed on his face... his dress shirt is not so lucky. Joy also happens to drop the file she had been holding, papers fly everywhere.

"I'M SOOOOO sorry Peter!" Joy splutters, her hands fluttering and she looks for something to dab some of the hot liquid away, her search is in vain.

Peter grabs a bunch of the papers and shoves them to Joy, "It's fine Joy!" Peter stands upright once more and sprint's down the hallway, "I GOTTA GET TO J-JAY BEFORE HE HAS MY HEAD INSTEAD OF SPIDER-MAN'S!!!!!"

Joy smiles and just shakes her head wistfully, "Teenagers, ah to be young again."

Peter skids to a halt right before J-Jay's office door, Betty Brant, J-Jay's secretary, arch's an eyebrow, "You get mud on your shirt while taking those pictures?"

Peter smiles wearily, "Sometimes, though this time it wasn't mud... Joy ambushed me with hot coffee... twas a great battle, my shirt is one of the casualties."

°Don't get distracted! You must hurry or you won't get paid!°

Betty snorts, her green eyes twinkling with mirth, "Guess this round goes to Joy huhn?"

Peter leans forward, hands splay out on her little desk, "I don't know about that, I did make her drop her file... which had more papers than my chemistry text book. So... can I go in?"

J-Jay's shouting can be heard exceptionally well through the supposedly soundproof office.

•° _*unanimously cringe*_ °•

Betty swivels her chair back around, looking back and forth between the source of the rapidly growing yelling to Peter Parker, "I don't know... but if someone doesn't go in there we'll all have out heads put on pikes."

•Mission abort!•

Peter dramatically puts a hand over his heart, swooning and putting the other hand on his forehead, "You wound me sweet lady! I am but to be a sacrifice? You're going to push an innocent doe-eyed lamb into the den of the most malevolent of wolves?!"

Betty smirks, using her pencil to press the Comm button on her desk, "J-Jay, your local bug specialist is here."

°She's more evil than you Devon!°

•I don't know how to take that...•

°good!°

J-Jay's language is too crude to ever write. Peter pouts, "I see, so this is how it's going to be."

Peter takes a step towards his death, looking back at Betty with vengeance in his eyes,"But No more of my special secret Latté's for you."

Now it is Betty's turn to pout, "But Petey~! You're the only man I've ever had make my Latté's!!! You can't just make me go cold turkey!!! I neeeedz it!!!" Betty made grabby hands.

Peter grins sinisterly, "Then gollum, you know that if I get fired there will never be another special Latté again..."

Betty stares at Peter, a stare-off that turns heads in the news room with the change in atmosphere, Betty finally relents. "I'll make sure you keep your job... but you owe me a months worth of Latté's mister!"

Peter grins as he turns J-Jay's office door-knob, "Will do Betty-bop!"

Robbie starts humming the universal sound of impending doom next to Betty.

Peter walks in shaking his head.

***********************************************

Deadpool is chilling in the ceiling of J. Jonah Jameson's office, lifting up the ceiling panel, and looking down ever 5 minutes to see if Peter has popped in to see his boss.

Wade has eaten about a third of the taco population in New York. The pile of wrappers is making the ceiling dip a little bit.

Let's just say Deadpool has been waiting for a day or two, and boy is Wade regretting it.

{Holy shit he's more annoying than us combined!!!}

[Hell has officially frozen over.]

_Make it staaaawp! Make it staaaaawp!_

"Where the hell is he!? Damn it! I need those photo's and I need them last WEEK!" J-Jay gets a Comm from his secretary saying that his "Bug specialist" is here.

Wade adds some new words to his cussing vocabulary, his mental dictionary is now all the colors of the rainbow.

{Skittles!}

_Speak the rainbow._

{Cuss the rainbow!}

The door opens, and in walks Peter Parker.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? WHERE ARE THE PICTURES!? HURRY THE HELL UP!!! I CAN'T KEEP WAITING FOR YOUR DUMBASS TO WALK THEM IN!"

Peter hastily hands over a thumbdrive. J-Jay snatches it and glares at the youth like he just saw him spit in his coffee right in front of him.

"Get out, I SAID GET OUT RUGRAT! I'M NOT YOUR BABYSITTER!!!" Jameson yells so loud that the building seems to shake. Peter bolts out of the door.

_What a set of lungs!_

[I believe he could rival Black Bolt if he yells any louder!]

The ceiling starts to creak, the walls vibrate, and the floor starts to shake like an honest to God earthquake is happening. Jonah's windows behind his desk shatter, glass shards slice into the still screaming Jameson.

A green, armor-clad man, on a hovering glider, cackles in glee outside of the destroyed window. He zooms in and grabs J-Jay's collar, half choking the man and dangling him three feet off of the ground.

"Where is Spider-man Jameson!?" The menacing green man asks sweetly.

Jameson tries to answer but he can't reply because his tie is cutting off airflow.

"I said..." the green man tosses Jameson into the wall, he screams, the glass shards digging deeper into his back. Jameson slumps to the ground unconscious.

[God damn, what a fricking sadist!]

{That's no sadist... that's a guy with a grudge.}

_I'm feeling sorry for the guy and WE have a healing factor._

Deadpool resists the urge to try and save Jameson, his hand grasping his gun.

"Looking for little ol' me? And who might you be short green and ugly?" Spider-man asks, hanging upside-down, gently swaying with the wind.

The green man whips around and almost strikes Spider-man full in the face. Spider-man clips and lands a kick to the green armored man.

"I'm the green goblin and I'm going to-"

Spider-man delivers a quick kick to the green goblin's throat, knocking the armored man down like a domino.

"What was that? I couldn't quite hear that last part." Spider-man says, the green goblin gets up shakily.

"You just KICKED my throat!" The green goblin says indignantly.

The Spider looks around, seemingly searching for something. The goblin look like he might actually ask what he's looking for when Spider-man throws his ha D's up in defeat.

"I'm sorry Gobby, but I couldn't find a single one!"

Deadpools is puzzled as well from his secret hiding place.

_What the hell is he doing!?_

"What? What were you looking for?" _Gobby_ asks stupidly.

Spider-man waves Gobby off, "I was looking for the fuck that I give about what you want. But I seem to have lost it, no wait a minute... I never had one to begin with!"

Goblin lunges for the archnide hero, Spider-man flips over the goblin. Goblin spins around and fires a continuous stream of bullets, only 2 manage to hit their mark.

Spider-man slams his elbow on top of Gobby's head, there's a dent left in the helmet.

Goblin gives a right hook that connects with Spider-man's unprotected left side. Spider-man wheezes and falls to the ground, passing out from combination of a punch to his kidney and the tranquilizers he was hit with working through his pumping veins.

_Time to make my move._

Deadpool jumps down from the ceiling, kicking the green villain on the head with one heavy, leather, steel-toed boot.

The Goblin grabs his foot and tries to throw the 200 pounds of muscle across the room. He tosses him a few feet. Deadpool isn't hurt but Goblin has stalled enough for time to grab Spider-man, toss a nauseatingly green smoke bomb, and steal the Spider carrying him princess-style out of the window.

Deadpool stands in the destroyed office looking at the silhouette flying away, too far to shoot and it could possibly kill Spider-man if he tried. J-Jay is finally waking up, murmuring insults about the recently kidnapped wall-crawler.

"Well THAT went well!"

The ceiling tile above drops onto Deadpool, the titanic amount of empty taco bell wrappers apparently too much for the ceiling to handle.

[You just had to say somethin-]

Deadpool yelps, his left side feels like he just got hit by a hollow point somewhere near his kidney. He staggers to the broken window, heavily leaning on it.

"I don't feel so gooo-…"

Deadpool passes out and slips through the window. Falling to his death, again.

"Hello~Dear~♥ It's~been~a~while~since~you've~come~to~visit!" The female skeleton greets as she slithers her bone-y hands along Deadpool's shoulders.

_Not a word White... not a word._

[*barely resisting the 'I-told-you-so'*]

And even though it need not be said...

"Well we just fucked up... well, at least Peter made it out of there!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IRONY!!! XD


	9. Potentiaphilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade has an epiphany with the help of Death.
> 
> Spider-man isn't saved by Deadpool, but he is saved by someone else... Spider-man's inner fanboy is writhing in happiness.
> 
> Spider-man's selfies flirt? One-sidedly?
> 
> Blind Al meets a kindly widow on her way out of the city and stumbles upon a solution to her and Wade's homelessness problem.
> 
> All while a plan is set into motion that holds the balance of this universe in it's web.
> 
> That's the most vague but spot on summary I've ever given...
> 
> OuO be proud of me~♥

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo it took me a while and a session of venting with cortexikid! That lovely writer-lady that I could hug to bits!!!!! I couldn't have done this chapter without you! And don't worry! The next chapter will mention the " . " XD hopefully nobody gets my reference yet!
> 
> This chapter's song is "Best Day of my Life" by American Authors!!! Love that band!!!

"Hi honey... OH! Maybe you can help me with this question... WHERE IS MY SOUL-MATE? Or an even better one...HOW!? WHY!? DO I HAVE A SOUL-MATE!?" Wade screeches, arms waving frantically.

Death moves to put a finger over his mouth to silence him but he lurches away in disgust. Death sighs.

"That was two questions and Your soul-mate is alive and breathing, he's-"

"I don't care if it's 2 questions, and my soul-mate is a guy? Hmmm that narrows my search to about ALL OF THE **MALES** ON THIS FUCKING PLANET! AND YOU KNOW WHO MY SOUL-MATE IS!!! FESS UP SISTA!!!" Wade interrupts, absolutely fuming.

"You already know he's in New York City Wade. So I won't answer that question. Plus it's against the rules to tell you who he is. I'm breaking one right now just by telling you his gender!" Death says snidely, crossing her arms and turning away, hurt clearly evident.

" _You_ forget that New York City is the city with the greatest population in the WHOLE STINKING UNIVERSE! So you telling me my soul-mate has a donger isn't exactly narrow things down in New York City! Not only that, it's the most frequently visited concrete jungle on Earth! Which means he could be a tourist and be back on his merry way to FRANCE!!! FUCKING FRANCE!!! WHERE THE CUISINE CONSISTS OF EATING SNAILS-"

"Escargo"

"SEE!!! They even have a fancy misleading name for the shit! Just like CAVIAR! JUST CALL IT WHAT IT IS!!! IT'S FUCKING FISH EGGS! He could be ANYWHERE right now because I can't track him anymore!" Wade huffs, showing his semblence of mind grasping at straws.

"Wait... you mean you're soulbond stopped working? It doesn't stop working unless there is a trigger..." Death twirls around, hand going to rest on Wade's shoulder. Wade tries to shrug it off, feeling guilty about his past once more.

_How many times have I hurt him? How many times have I had sex and strained the soulbond!? Does having sex with DEATH while I'm DEAD count? Forget having sex, how many times have I died? How do I, the most undeserving bastard of all time, get lucky like this?... well there is no such thing as coincidence in this universe._

"Yeah, I'm saying that it hasn't been working for a while." Wade says hesitantly, "And what do you mean 'trigger'?" Death reluctantly releases his shoulder.

"In order for the soulbond to stop working, you have to have met your soulmate, you have to have had a conversation with him. In other words..." 

"I've already met him... but I've met a whole bunch of people! It could have been that guy at taco bell who got my order wrong and I nearly decapitated! Or even the dude who asked what type of dog Mister Snuckums was! You KNOW how talkative I am!!! For fucks sake! I'M CALLED THE MERC WITH A **MOUTH**!" Wade sags to the ground in utter defeat.

"Many soulmates, who have passed through my realm and gone to the next, have said that their first conversation with their other half made them feel like they had a connection." Death provides, patting Wade's back in a maternal way. She is acknowledging that there will be nothing between them except for friendship unless he wishes for more.

"I... I... what if there were 2 people? 2 people who I think I liked? What could that mean?" Wade asks, terrified of the possibility of **TWO** soul-mates.

Death chuckles, reading Wade's expression of horror, "Soul-mates only come in pairs darl-Wade... which means you have some snooping to do. Try and see which one has your soul mark."

"That's sort of gonna be a problem skully... I don't know what my soulmark is... I didn't know I even _had_ a soul-mate remember?" Wade points out.

Death sighs, holding her pointy chin in her palm, her skeletal fingers outlining her sharp cheek bone, "I don't know how to solve that particular problem... however... I believe that you will be leaving soon."

Wade suddenly realizes something, "umm ... you're able to feel you're soul-mate's pain right? What ever happens to you happens to them and vis-versa... voodoo doll 2.0?"

Death nods her head, arching a black eyebrow, that shouldn't exist, up her forehead.

"Umm... I think I know who my soul-mate is... and boy is it funny... he got tranquilized and punched in the kidney not 3 seconds after I felt a pain in my side, went beddy bye with no explanation, and then fell to my death..." Wade laughs nervously.

"WADE?!" Death demands, anger clear in the black depths of her eye cavities.

Wade scratches his neck sheepishly, "Well... he sort of... maybe... actually... literally..." Death levels a look that could kill, which is pretty funny once you think about it, at Wade.

"A costumed lunatic calling himself the green goblin flew away with him like a glorified bowser stealing princess Peach!" Wade exclaims, crumbling to the ground once more, hands on his face, inwardly cringing.

Death holds her pale slim hands to her forehead, as if she's trying to keep a headache at bay and think of a solution, "Wade, he was called the _Green_ Goblin... yes?"

Wade nods his head, his body starting to feel pain once more, his return to the living imminent

"He is after Spider-man's blood... he is on my list of collection for next week, but if he gets the vigilantee's blood... the plan will crumble... and your soul-mate will die a meaningless death." Death hugs Wade, "Stop the Green Goblin's plan... and be aware of your surroundings... for _where there is a green goblin of greed. Blue lightning follows, as does it's seed._ heed my warning Wade, the world rests on your shoulders, as well as your soul-mate's life..."

The dark domain of Death slowly fades away, like mist on a lake at midnight before the dawn breaks on the peaks over a mountain. Wade awakens in the world of the living, and the first thing he sees is a crime scene investigator kneeling over his junk inspecting his teleport belt.

Death was rather disappointed to see a new victim appear right after Wade left, but that is Deadpool's way.

"I wish you all the luck in the world Parker, you're going to need it. And with that said... I need to contact Madame Webb, the plan is in motion far sooner than it was scheduled... there is interference somewhere. I will have to contact Lee as well, seeing as someone... or rather, some _thing_ is messing with the designs..." Death whispers calculatingly, vanishing to spread the word, "It's time that the stones come into play."

************************************

"Wakey wakey little spider..."

Peter's vision is blurry, his head is pounding, his ears are ringing like they did 2 days ago when he saved a woman getting mugged in an alley... she screamed in his ears at such a high pitch that he had spoken at a ridiculous volume for the rest of the day.

_I guess this is what happens when you do drugs..._

•uggh... why is it we always wake up to the weirdest things? First powers, then to a shiny ugly green booger... maybe he's an alien?•

_Wouldn't be surprised, the Avenger's did battle an army of aliens not 2 years ago._

°Maybe he's friendly?°

_That's highly improbable._

Spider-man lolls his head to look at the green alien who awoke him, he tries to lift up his hand but it won't cooperate. He tries to lift up anything and everything, but he can't, it's as if he doesn't have any bones.

"You awake Archnide boy? The sleeping gas should have worn off by now... though the paralysis compounds won't for a good 30 minutes. Why so silent Spidey? Paralysis gas got your tongue?" The goblin bursts into a hysterical fit of squeaky laughter, Spider-man adds it to his list of annoying things he never wants to hear again.

"Ok Spidey, I've had enough shits and giggles. I've actually got a proposition for you. You see, I have a disease, and your blood is the cure. Now... I'm going to get that cure one way or another. You can do it the easy way or the hard way. The easy way, is that you let me take it from you here and now... and you join me in my persuit of rightious vengeance against those that have wronged me. Or you can stay paralyzed while I take your blood, and I can kill you right here... right _**NOW**_ before you hinder my destiny... but first things first, I'm going to take your blood~!" The Green Goblin chuckles, revealing a large needle from a cleverly hidden pocket in bis suit.

A metal fist materializes, hitting Gobby's face, the Needle falls to the ground and breaks, Gobby's hurled to the other side of the roof-top.

"What B-rated costume designer did you come from? Oscorp I'm guessing..." The armored man quips, his rocket propelled hand reattaches to it's place over calloused hands, "I don't think Osborn will be too happy with you once he realizes that you took a bunch of his not so super secret super secret projects."

The green Goblin whimpers as he tries to stand up, Spider-man's spider sense goes hay-wire. The green goblin's glider zooms toward Ironman's back as Ironman sends a hand that knocks the green goblin out.

Ironman grabs the glider at the last second and crumbles it into what resembles a giant crushed soda can, "Sorry about your toy kiddo, but you really should learn when to not point deadly sharp poisoned gliders at respectable folk, get your beauty sleep... yes J.A.R.V.I.S I _know_ it's not a toy!... and yes _Steve_ I know that what I did was very dangerous, but if I had just moved out of the way it would have gotten arachnide boy here shishkabobed... Fury? I should be asking how you got ahold of this private line but I'm not really surprised, and yes the kid's ok. Just paralyzed."

Iron man holds his head away from his left as if he's holding a phone, the yelling from inside his helmet is audible from where Spider-man is lying down and trying not to hyperventilate from fanboying too hard.

He doesn't just like sarcastic quips because they are awesome... but snark is Stark's forté. And he has been Peter Parker's role model since he put away the arm dealing business and put on the metal suit. He's one of Spider-man's idols.

•Do I sense Peter being a closet-fanboy?•

_He's so cooooool!_

°Will you stop with those annoying rhetorical questions?°

•Not until you stop with your annoying nagging.• Devon examines his tiny fingernails.

°You are such a child° Andy huff's crossing his arms.

•I know you are but what am I?• sing-songs while making obnoxious faces at Andy.

Andy turns away from the brash demon's chuckles.

°Maybe I should take a note from Peter's book and ignore you.° Andy announces from his perch.

Devon gives a cocky smile and leans closer to Andy, ruffling the angel's feathers with his handy-dandy pitchfork. •You couldn't resist this if you tried dove~•

Andy turns and quirks an unbelieving eyebrow. °Resist what? Your ego? Or your vulgur use of innuendos? Because your head is as bloated as a watermelon and you do that last one rather pitifully.°

Devon twirls around. •Say what you like goody-two-shoes but you don't know what your missing•

°Nothing that I want to miss pervert°

"Fu-FUR-FURY! QUITE YELLING! Do you _want_ to add 'hearing disability' to my list of problems? Or do you want me to not make witty sarcastic jokes in sign language!? Because it would be such a damn waste-Steve! No! I can handle this captain popsicle... No I did not mean that as an insult... look the green fly is k.o.-ed right now. I over heard paralysis and sleeping gas which means our potential new recruit's not going to turn into a vegetable-"

Louder yelling is heard and Spider-man shares his sympathy for Ironman's ears.

•He's going to have a hearing aid added to his helmet pretty soon.•

_I don't doubt that._

°He just mentioned NEW RECRUIT!!!° 

Peter Parker feels his inner fanboy dying from a possible dream come true.

Devon pokes Peter's cheek with his signature pitchfork •I think he's really broken this time...•

°Will you STOP that!?° Andy flutters over to Devon and bats the offending pointy object away from Peter's face.

"Hey kid, I'm going to carry you ok? So don't freak out and wriggle if you can move while I'm flying with you... I don't want another splatter incident like what happened at Daily Bugle. I'm going to ask you about your involvement with Deadpool once you have your basic vocal skills back. But until then..." Tony Stark picks the silently gapping Spider-man up, starts his shoe rockets up, and puts his face plate back on, after a impish wink, "Enjoy the ride kiddo."

_I have died and gone to heaven..._

This is the second time today that Spider-man flies over his city being carried princess style.

***********************************************

Blind Al is fed up, she has been in a dingy warehouse by the Bronx for 3 days with Wade's supplies and Mr. Snookums.

"I can deal with rats the size of footballs and cochroaches that can swallow one of those rodents whole... but I have had ENOUGH! _Don't worry_ he says... _It will only be rats and roaches_ he says... _not a single feathery fiend_ he says... It's New York City Wade! Which means it's PIGEON CITY! _that's just an exaggeration_ he says..." Blind Al grumbles, swinging her walking stick around menacingly, hitting all in her path with a good swift whack to the shins and knee caps, fending off any would-be pickpockets.

"oh, I'll give him an exaggeration alright... I'll stick my foot so far up his scarred ass that I'll tickle that prune he calls a brain!" Blind Al mutters murderously, Blind Al goes around a corner and is sent sprawling, head first, onto the concrete because Mr. Snookums decided he wanted to bolt straight at someone. This someone is a kind widowed old woman who has seen better days since her husband past away and, with him, the stability of income and bills.

"Oh my gosh! Are you alright ma'me?! I didn't pet your dog! I know he's working and I've spent most of my time in the hospital with blind patients so I know not to distract them. Here dear... let me help you up!" The kind woman says rushing hysterically towards Blind Al, setting her on her feet like any well to do nurse knows how.

"I am sooooo sorry! Oh no! You had parishables! The eggs are all-you know what! You are coming straight over to my house! I'll give you the dozen we've got at home!" The energetic widow announces, picking up Wade's supplies and piling it into her bag.

"Miss! I refuse to go with you! I can't stay in this Infested City one more minute! And Hah! Mr. Snookums here, would be more likely to lead me _into_ traffic than _away_ from it... he takes after his owner like that." Blind Al says, putting, what she believes is her foot, on the subject, thereby killing the very idea of going to a total strangers house.

"What do you mean infested? Do you mean these God awful pigeons?! I moved to a nice neighborhood after living 2 years near central park! And let me tell you! Those birds will get inside your house no matter what you do! But... I moved to a new home and I figured out how to outwitt those feathery menaces!" The old lady whispers conspiratorially, leaning closer to Blind Al's ear.

Mister Snookums pushes his big pink nose against the widows hand and that is that. Blind Al has a new best friend... and Aunt May has a new neighbor after discussing the vacant house next door.

What trouble could these situations cause I wonder?

>XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so loooooooong! Please comment! It helps me concentrate!


	10. Somnophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old twist that you readers knew about is announced for everybody but Spider-man doesn't know...
> 
> And an entirely new twist is exposed for you precious readers~ XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy~ XD
> 
> This chapter's song is... "See You in My Dreams" by We the Kings.

Spider-man is able to move his hands drunkenly in 5 minutes, the gas is wearing off quicker than the green goblin had realized with the healing factor kicking in. Although his healing factor isn't as quick as _Deadpool's_ per say, it's still vastly above those of normal citizens. Though something is direly wrong. 

"Soooo Iruuuuuurnmannnnnn iszzzz Daht yeweeeeeer powaaaaa sewerccccccccceeee? IZZZZ A ARKKKKK REWAAAAHCTORREEEE!!! DATZ WOHT IH IZZZZZ!" Spider-man exclaims from his delirious state.

"...you are on gas that has the same effects of drinking Thor's ale and you have a brain that can analyze what powers my suit at a mere glance... that's sort of threatening. I like you! Fury can we keep him?" Tony exclaims, spinning around, with a glass of brandy in one hand and a high tech tablet in the other, to look at the S.H.I.E.L.D Director.

"If he passes our tests, doesn't try to kill us when the gas wears off, agrees to undergo training, and allows us to sponsor him. Then yes... and if he has the smarts to keep you and _J.A.R.V.I.S_ from hacking into our system then he's got some bonus points added to his resumé. " Director Fury grumbles.

"You lied Tony! He wasn't unconscious, he was pretending to be and got away when you were playing night-in-shining-armor with damsel here. We've searched through the entire City and there is not a single green gooby to be found." Black Widow hisses as she comes in through the automated doors of the Avenger's tower. Captain America, Thor, and a wimpy looking guy in a doctors lab coat follow, looking as weary as Aunt May on a Friday night after 4 shifts at the hospital, "and all for some brat that thinks himself high and mighty after taking down one super powered asshole." She levels a deadly glare at Spider-man,

"Aaaaaaaahm naaaaawt hiiii awnd miaghty! I juwst saaaaaahved daaaaaa ccccccciteeeeeeey ooouuuuumssssse!" Spider-man defends, pointing a finger drunkenly at Black Widow... a fuming Black Widow that could kill this incapacitated Spider vigilante with her pinky may I remind.

•Think she's angry about our name choice for your alter ego?•

Andy looks at the Widow in question. °I don't think she likes how we got beat up and let the spider name get creamed in a public place...°

_So Gobby is still out there?!?_

An alarm goes off and a voice that sounds British echoes through the tower, "There is an intruder on level one, now two... now three... if my estimations are correct... he is a villain of S class, has a high rate healing factor... and keeps going on about...Mexican food, and he will be on your level in less than two minutes sir."

"Is he wearing red and black J.A.R.V.I.S.?" Tony asks, yelling over the alarms, "And for fuck's sake turn the damn alarms off!"

The alarms immediately stop, "Sir, I couldn't tell, he stayed in the shadows and shot all camera's in the vicinity... and I am having trouble right now just keeping the tower in lock down mode because someone is trying to hack into my systems... he's a smart little booger... he's trying to use a reverse Gmod tactic, bricking my systems... sir, I don't know who this is but it could very possibly be Hydra. It's organized."

•What does the omniscient voice mean by 'Hydra'?•

°wasn't there something about that in your Father's file?.. maybe they know where your Father is!°

"Second intruder on floor 8 on a glider designed by Oscorp, if I'm not mistaken by my recorded fight of Ironman and the _Green Goblin_ , and it seems to be a prototype of a lesser smaller glider. It has 3 missiles, 4 serrated blades with antimantium laced with night shade poison in its liquid form on it's front designed for impaling it's enemies, and I will have to further analyze what the 200 balls are inside the glider... but they could either be bombs, grenades, gas bombs, or mechanized blades that follow their targets with a tracking system. The best tactic is to dodge behind a door or wall when it comes at you or to have two of them hit each other." The voice sounds again after the alarm goes off once more. It is cut off and there is the sound of breaking glass.

Spider-man's spider sense is banging inside his head and making his head hurt like a migraine on Hulk-steroids.

The Green Goblin zooms around the corner and tries ramming into Captain America but he puts up his shield avoiding decapitaion. The blades slice through it like butter, but before they can poke him a new one, the wimpy man from before turns into a green mass of muscle.

•So he's the Hulk! Now THAT makes sense!•

°I thought it was rather obvious since everyone on the Avengers team is here except the big green HULK! He's does have a regular human body when he _isn't_ in smashing-mode... afterall nobody has ever seen Hulk get a cappuccino at Starbucks Devon.°

_Shut UP!!! my head is killing me! and I want to see them fight up close!!!!_

Thor struck the green armored man with his hammer and electricity shot through the figure... with no effect.

"Rubber compounds imbecile, you're all thunder and no lightning! *evil cackle*-" Ironman shoots him with a hand laser, knocking him down on the ground.

"Man your laugh is annoying, it sounds like woody-wood pecker and Chanel West Coast had a baby...oh gawd the imagery!" ironman yells, putting both hands on his head and wishing for the invention of brain bleach.

And during the fight Black Widow has been inching closer and closer to Spider-man to protect him from the Green Goblin or to protect her team-mates if he proves to be a false hero. Captain America kicks him when he tries crawling away and Hulk tosses him around like a rag-doll.

"Hmmmh PUNY BOOGER! DON'T DESERVE COLOR GREEN! OR PURPLE!!!!" Hulk huffs, leaving the whimpering mass in the crater in the floor.

"HUU~UU~ULK! I haven't even had the new floor for 5 years!!! damn it! This is the second time you've DONE this! You couldn't just-just crush him like a soda can?!" Tony whines pathetically.

"Heeheeh puny god~" Hulk giggles menacingly.

The Green Goblin somehow manages to get onto his undamaged Glider with the distracted drama about the floor going on, "This won't be the last of me you hear!!! I will get your blood Spider-man!!! It's mine! MINE! YA HEAR!!??! NO ONE SAYS NO TO ME!!!! *evil Cackle*." He retreats out of the building after throwing a smoke bomb. Ironman starts fanning the smoke away from his team-mates, being cautious of the smoke if it contains poison.

"I WASN'T LYING! See Nat! He really is after this kid!" Tony exclaims.

"Iaaaaaam nnnnaaawt aah k-kid! Iam j-jussst reaaally ss-sshort!" Spider-man shouts, shivering and shaking, the gas's effects making him cold and burning at the same time, pain ripping a scream from his throat.

"What did I miss?" asks a man wearing all black with a bow on his back entering the room, seeing the broken and destroyed nick-nacks, walls, windows, and now floor.

"Everything." Nat replies, putting a hand on Spider-man's neck, about to lift up the fellow spider's mask. But his hand shoots out and throws her a good 5 feet away.

"WHaaaht evvaaaa yuuuuu dddoouu do-don't remmmuuve maaaah maasskk... dooon'tt waaahnt tooo be seeee-en." Spider-man whimpers, curling into himself and clasping his hands around his head in pain and to preserve his secret identity.

"Tony! Get me an I.V. and I mean NOW! This kid is 2 seconds away from having an overdose from what ever was put into his system by that Green Bastard!" The Hulk, once again in his human form, yells.

"J.A.R.V.I.S.!" Tony commands, grabbing a bottle of scotch from the refrigerator.

"Sir, there is still the 1st intruder from before. But the I.V. is ready as always sir." J.A.R.V.I.S. says.

Nat rips Spider-man's sleeve as Captain America holds Spider-man down and the man, known as Bruce Banner, tries to put the needle into Spider-man's skin with difficulty.

"I don't know why it's not going in!" Bruce exclaims in frustration, "It's like his skin is repelling the needle!"

The area around where the needle was trying to be injected was turning red... then blue... then silver... then regular skin color again.

"HAHAH HE SHOULD BE CALLED MAN OF Bifröst! NOT MAN OF SPIDER!!!" Thor yells annoyingly over Bruce's shoulder, everyone gives him the 'are-you-fucking-serious-?' look. Bruce again tries to push the needle into the dying vigilante's skin, it breaks.

"IT IS REPELLING THE NEEEDLE!!! I-I can't do anything for him Tony... I'm sorry Nick... but If he doesn't get that I.V. in him soon it's likely he won't survive..." Bruce acknowledges sorrowfully, "The best thing you could hope for is that his end is quick, stay with him and...

"Sir you have company." J.A.R.V.I.S sighs.

A being in a familiar red and black suit, clutching his head and shivering from head to toe, stumbles in.

"Leeaaave hi-himmm alooowne! you-you jjjjerk wads! Heee-Heee's in pp-pain! Fuuuuhck! Thiiiiss sowl-boooohnd th-thin-g huuhuuurts!" Deadpool trips, and continues to crawl forward in pain.

"...Did he say what I _THINK_ he just said!?" Nick Fury asks, eyes blinking unbelievingly, the Avenger's looking like a collective group of disbelieving owls.

"Yeee-eeah yuuuu heaaaar-ddddd ri-ihght yuuu-uu grump-pp-ppy pp-irrrra-te! He-eee's mmm-ine! aaahnnn-d I cc-ccan sssss-ave hi-him!!!!" Deadpool growls in frustration, each inch forward making the pain grow, "Iiiii-f Iah cc-ccan tt-ake the pp-pain a-wa-way tth-thennnnn hhh-he woh-ohn'tttttt ddd-ddie fffffffrommmmumm aaah hheeeh-aaarttttt at-tt-ttaccck-ck! I-IIIah www-wwwill tttthou-uh-gh. SSS-sssoo qu-quit-ttt-te ssst-aaaringgugg attt th-the crah-ahwlin-gggug ccccorre-pspspspsssse tttto bbbeeeeeee ahahnnnnd he-heeeelp-p meee-eh gg-geeht cllosss-eeer tttto hh-hhim! o-orrrr heee-ee'lll d-dddie!!! mm-mmm-morrr-rrrOOhnssssss!!!!"

Nick Fury is the first to move toward the alleged merc with a mouth, he turns around, "You guys were all for saving him 5 seconds ago. Just because his soul-mate is one of the most annoying anti-heroes I've ever met doesn't mean that the kid should die because of him. So get your asses in gear and help me lift this living cancer cell up! I have 5 broken and healing god damned ribs here from the little Hydra takeover fiasco 3 months ago!"

Tony tosses his bottle of scotch and everyone begins lifting the 180 pound pure-muscled mutant up. Hefting him up gently and bringing him to the hospital bed, setting him down as softly as possible.

Spider-man has been unconscious since the needle incident, that's one thing Deadpool is thankful for. The said writhing mass of muscle scooches closer and cradles the passed out vigilante, shakily petting his head and arms. Deadpool kisses his forehead through his mask, Spider-man's whimpering stops and soon he's in blissful sleep.

"D-dddo m-meee a fff-fflllai-veeeer N-Nnni-ck-"

"You should be glad that I'm not tossing you out of the 90th floor window Wade and only a few people can call me Nick-"

"EEE-xxcuuu-*gasps*zzzze meeeeh F-FFFUrey! Buu-buut if-ffff-fff nn-nnnaaah--tt fff-fffor mmm-meeeeh th-thtthennn ff-ffor h-hhim! dd-ddon'ttt ttt-ttell h-hhhhim aa-aabbb-outtttt mmm-mmmeh, hhh-hhhi-dde mee-meeh inn uh ccc-cccelll ssssom-suuum-wwwhh-aaaiiirrrr... *gasp* tt-tttoo mm-mmanyyyyyy ennn-eemmiesssszzz. d-dddoesssszzzn'ttt he-heeelpp-pp th-thatttt h-heeee gg-ggoessszz ar-arounnnddd be-beaaatttt-iiin-gggugghug upp-ppuh str-strrrraiiiiiiinngggughggeeeeeee mmmennnn th-thatttt tt-tttenddduh ttt-tto ww-wwearrrrrrr maaa-aaassksssszzz in-in alle-alleeeeey waaaay-sszzz... bbb-bbbuhtttt hh-hheeee'ssszzzz m-mmaa-kkin-ggugguh enn-eeehmmm-iieesssssszzz ttt-tttooooooooooo. D-dddohn'ttttt wah-wahhhntt ttt-ttto *gasp* hhhu-hhhhuuuu-eeeertttt hh-hhhimmmuh ev-evvveehhn mm-mmorrreuh! Iaaah'vvve d-dddieee-ddd an-aaandd ch-cheeaaateddd... and-ddnn-uunnnaaahh-liiiihvvvedddddd ssso-sooooosooo mmu-mmuchhhh... Iiiiahhhh dd-ddoooo-nnn'tttt de-deeeessservvve... hhihhhimmm! hh-hheee deee-deeesss-eeerrrvv-essszzz be-beeettttt-eer-errr!" Deadpool whispers, blood pooling from under his mask. Deadpool takes a few more shallow and shakey breathes before dying next to his soul-mate, Spider-man's breathing returns to normal, after a quick check of his pulse and breathing by Bruce he is announced 'safe-for-now'.

"Sooo, what are we going to do with him... Nick? Since you probably know him best, I remember fighting with him a little in the past but it keeps getting fuzzy for some reason... perhaps because he time-jumped there?" Captain America asks, still dumbfounded about the entire situation.

"Steve... I'm not going to ask... but seriously? Can we remove the bleeding and filthy corpse from my expensive couch?" Tony questions, magic-ing a cup of brandy from somewhere. Captain America swears that Stark would have been an expert boot-legger if he had lived in the time of prohibition.

"I think I have a solution... though I don't think he'll like it once he wakes up. But we do know that he's been keeping an eye on our favorite wall-crawler here. He's been keeping enough distance away from his other half because he's worried... he's not just a psychopath he knows right from wrong. So that means he wants to stay close to protect Spider-man, whether by instinct or intentionally... sort of like you Captain..." Nick acknowledges with a suggestive smirk and wink at Captain America who is now turning as red as a tomato.

"Hey-Hey! We all know that Captain popsicle is a worrisome mother-hen around me Nick but you don't have to point it out!" Tony grumbles from his glass of Brandy, death-glaring the King of Death glares.

"It's not really pointing it out if it's that obvious Stark." Clint states, stealing Tony's cup of Brandy and taking a giant gulp.

Tony crinkles his nose. But smirks and snarks, "Just like it's pretty obvious your Russian accented mutant lover-boy is stalking you right now."

Hawkeye looks around and Tony steals back his cup of Brandy, "You are definitely too much of a light-weight to be drinking this anyway. Leave the drinking to the money bags, Russians, and Asgardians, Robin Hood. Quite stealing Alcohol from the rich!"

A blur steals the brandy out of Tony's hand, "You call this alcohol? This is watered down кошачья моча! Now Thor's ale... THAT's Alcohol!"

"I COULD NOT AGREE MORE QUICK OF THE SILVER!! THIS EARTH'S ALCOHOL IS LIKE WATER IN ASGARD!" Thor thunders, finally adding to the conversation.

Pietro lounges against the wall next to Thor, "And it's okay to be a lightweight дорогой Амур, it just means that you are nicer to be with through the night when I make sweet lov-"

Clint shoots an arrow at the laughing Pietro Maximoffs head, and hits the wall instead because Quicksilver just moved behind him. He's holding the grown military trained archer in a bear-hug and snuggling against the back of his head.

"Okay, keep your pants on you two. Thank god Pepper is a normal human being and isn't all over me in public." Natasha sighs, hand against her forehead staving off a growing headache induced by the lovey-dovey coupling before her.

Nick Fury coughs a few times to get everyone back on topic, Bruce was almost going to ask him if he needed a glass of water for a second there.

"You all know that I am trying to build another Jr. Avenger's group, since J.A.R.V.I.S. hacked into my computer... _AGAIN_. It's a sort of back-up group for you guys for those really dangerous situations like that alien invasion a couple years back. I was hoping to get that sleeping Spider-man on that team. But I might just enlist Deapool too now that we know their connection, though I still don't know why Spider-man himself doesn't know who his soul-mate is. Now before you guys object let me get something straight. I'm not replacing you. I'm merely preparing a plan B if the Avengers ever fall, and for better crowd control. Seeing as when you guys went after Ultron... *glare in Tony's direction* you basically leveled an entire city."

"You can't really blame me for the city! He was planning on killing the entire Earth with it! We didn't know that until it was almost too late!" Tony yells, turning to nurse on another glass of some alcoholic concoction he slipped from his sleeve, "One stinking screw up and I'm getting called out on it for the rest of my life."

"We'll talk about this later Tony, but let me ask you one question Nick, how are you going to make us believe that letting a known and acknowledged full-time anti-hero be called our back-up!? And actually trust him!?" Captain America asks. All eyes are on the retired Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. now.

"That's the question with the easiest answer Steve~ What better leverage than a willing soul-mate in our cause?" Nick Fury answers, motioning toward the sleeping Spider-man, "But for now I'll just keep him in the... *cough* totally not real secret undercover NEW S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrrier *cough*, so who wants to help me lug him back to my ship before he wakes up and tries to escape?"

Natasha raises her hand along with Tony, Thor, and Hawkeye.

"Thor and Hawkeye will do, Tony don't even start with me. You saved him, brought him here, and can understand his nerd talk... but don't you try turning him into a mini you or I will give Steve the password to your homing device," Nick Fury says before having Hawkeye and Thor heft up the heavy corpse and skedaddle out of the tower and into an awaiting helicopter on the roof.

"That should teach you a lesson in snooping Stark," Nick Fury laughs from the helicopter.

Steve turns around, sickeningly sweet and innocent smile plastered to his beaming face, "Now... what's this about a homing device Tony~?"

"J.A.R.V.I.S. protocol mother-hen NOW!!!" Tony yells, as Captain America slowly walks forward. Concrete and steel walls coming down around Tony left and right all being broken through by Captain America's shield.

"They're so adorable, yes?" Pietro asks as he leans next to Natasha.

"Yes, they're just how nature intended them to be~." Natasha cackled enjoying the scene of destruction the two soul-mates were creating... well destruction that _Steve_ was making.

"How is your sister doing, by the way?" Natasha asks, a note of seriousness in the hilarious chaos going on before them.

"She is still in the hospital, though she should be waking up soon from the surgery... it's been a rough month... I don't think I could have made it through without my little лучник." Pietro responds, making him quiet in remembering Wanda's near death-inducing sacrifice.

She had blocked all of the bullets that should have killed him, directing them else where... one happened to hit herself a centimeter from her heart. Needless to say, after Peitro rushed his twin to the Helicarrier to save her life, he beat the living shit out of the head Ultron, technically the metal bastard wasn't even alive and one of many clones, and ripped out what could have very well been his heart. All were _dead_ now, and Wanda is alive and should be waking up soon if the doctors are really as good as Tony vouches they are.

**************************************************

"Is she in pain?" The metal man murmurs to himself, thinking of the one woman he had ever thought of as a friend, the woman that is entirely out of his grasp now.

"What was that toaster?" The Red skinned man asks, German accent evident.

The metal man searches through his limited memory, seeing as the Vision made a deal with him, for the identity of the rude man and comes up with the Red Skull, a villain that Captain America himself has fought, he doesn't question the fact that he's alive.

"Where are you taking me Johann Schmidt? I know of your back ground and your connections to Hydra... and I believe you are being employed to the notorious King Pin... whose identity I cannot locate sadly... oh well, I can always find out with voice and face recognition-"

"I do not want to know, or wish to talk to you Automaton. King Pin does wish to talk to you, however, I am still a head of Hydra... the King Pin has finally got us under his foot... but that does not mean we are his slaves." Red Skull comments, accent becoming heavier.

The cage is slowly wheeled down hallways and into an elevator, the doors soon open and the metal man knows he is far above the city by the layout of the building, frustratingly, he again does not have access to information as he did before. The Vision made sure of that before severing him completely from the internet and computer system using the mind stone. Now he's as vulnerable as an ordinary human.

The room is full of grandeur and technology that looks as if it was stolen from the mind of Tony Stark himself, the swivel chair behind the large marble desk spins around and the face of Wilson Fisk meets his gaze.

"AAAH! My little toy soldier awakens! How has my little boy been sleeping?" Wilson asks, a gentle smile on his face.

Confusion must have distorted the metal man's face some how for Wilson Fisk smiled knowingly.

"I see that you are rather confused... heeheh... you did wake up in Tony Stark's lab after all. But I reassure you... you are not his creation, but rather you are my son, then again you are not... It's so difficult to explain but I shall. Where to begin I suppose? Ah! I'll begin with the death of my son Richard Fisk." Fisk begins, taking his swivel chair toward the cage.

"You see my son Richard had no idea about my... night job and when he found out, well... our relationship suffered irreversibly. He went on a trip to Europe and died in a skiing accident. And then not 6 months later this new mob leader comes in and tries taking over my domain. Turns out it was actually Richard... he faked his death and vowed to end my reign. Well I hired a mercenary with an excellent history and killed the majority of his people. Had to kill him myself to see that he didn't _Fake_ his death again. And I decided that I needed to create my own son... one who knew and understood that my work is actually bringing order to the world. you are that perfect child my boy..."

"Now your mind will again circle back to that thought of why you were in Stark's lab when you awoke... that is rather simple... it is because it was a test. You were created to become my son, my protégé, my steady right hand man whom I could always trust and count on to get the job done. I knew that Tony Stark's weakness was trying to swiftly cover the worlds ass from other-worldly forces of malicious intent. And I knew he had the mind stone... I practically handed it over to them, seeing as I am controlling Hydra."

"You see... we've had nearly 3 years and an unlimited source of scientific geniuses to unlock the secrets of the mind gem, Tony had only 3 days an A.I. of his own creation and Dr. Bruce Banner that tends to turn Green when he's angry. Now do you see..."

"You did something to the mind gem..." The metal man whispers, a faint smile gracing his metal lips.

The kingpin grins like a loon, happy to see that his boy has the ability to connect the vast dots, "Yes, we downloaded Richards personality and some of his memories of my choice into the mix, Tony believed he was working with ancient celestial material, when in fact he was just fitting the puzzle pieces together, you were already there... we just needed one more piece to create you... we gave you the motivation, the drive, the memories... but only one thing had the knowledge which we needed..."

"J.A.R.V.I.S. ... that's it... you needed to connect me to the internet, but only Tony's A.I. had the capacity to hold all of my data before I could download myself onto the internet... so J.A.R.V.I.S. is-" The metal man exclaims.

"Basically your mother... yes, he helped build your system and infrastructure... but it was the mind gem that created what you are now... and I know that the mind gem is connected to another stone... one which has touched you already somehow... Because we ran a test on you while you were unconscious, you'll soon forgive us of that once you find out what the results were. It turns out that you have a soul my boy, you also have a very powerful soul-mate. Unfortunately she is in a comatose like state and she is being guarded by her twin... you should know her very well by now my boy... she's the girl that betrayed you for the Avengers... but that was before she became your soul-mate."

The metal man is very confused... _Wanda is my soul-mate? How is it possible? only creatures with souls have another half. I was born whole but now I am a half? And why HER of all beings!? Why could it not be someone I haven't met... someone who hasn't betrayed me, granted I was going to destroy the entire human race but that is said and done a long time ago. Wait... what changed my mind... unless._

"You said motivation... you also gave me my mission of destroying the entire human race... but- a HUMAN wished to commit speciocide... WHY? And even if it were a test, which it would have had to been because otherwise it's just pure madness!-The Mind Stone... but how could you possibly calculate that-"

The King Pin whispers into the metal cage, "Because we had full control of your mind my boy, and we knew what had to be done. We wanted you to plant the mind stone on the created body, whether you successfully loaded yourself into the body or didn't, we would have power over the body made out of animantium. And now because of you my precious and perfect son... we have control over an infinity stone and a powerful super hero... without the Avengers or anyone else that didn't work on you personally knowing anything about it! It also helped that Loki has decided to join our organization. And soon we will have contact with our benefactors." 

"Now you are truly perfect my boy... but I feel like your name should no longer be Ultron seeing as you failed in your first mission with that name... perhaps something a bit more goody-goody since I wish to have you appear once more in public... less like a villain and more like a hero. Yes... Sentinel should do it. Sentinel Fisk!!! My son has finally returned to me! And all for the greater good. Now, there is something I wish to tell you," Wilson Fisk looked at Red Skull, " _ALONE_ if you don't mind Johann!" Red Skull retreats angrily, Fisk makes a shooing motion at the German.

Once the Red Skull disappears behind the side door Fisk opens the lock to the cage, "I am truly sorry about him, he is such a brute sometimes... If he wasn't an important Hydra Head then I would have killed him myself MONTHS before you were born. Now I am going to assign you to something of UNIVERSAL importance Sentinel. You are to get control of a certain machine and a certain mutant." Sentinel swings his metal legs over the edge of his cage and sits where the door is.

"Mutant... yes I remember a secret file about a hushed up battle after World War II... some ridiculousness about killing them all and trying to make a sentinel-... that's what you want me to become... a mutant sensor." Sentinel finishes, Fisk is absolutely wriggling for joy in his swivel chair.

"Yes my boy!!! You are really so SMART! I want you to capture a mutant that is called the professor, his real name is Charles Xavier. He is a mind reader and controller... and the machine he can control is called Cerebro. I want them both in my grasp in less than 4 years. You must find a way to get them both here without damaging either of them. And it goes without saying that you must find a way to block the mutant's powers for a group of 20 people... yourself included now, seeing as you have a mind and soul now my beautiful son. But keep in mind that this mission must be as confidential and secretive as possible no one but you and myself must know of this mission, understood Sentinel?" King Pin explains, hands together in his lap as he leans forward.

"Yes... Father... I understand." Ultron, now Sentinel, states, the King Pin hugs his son. A new twist to the already twisted life of this metal puppet. His new mission helping his Father... and then maybe, getting a body to become a real man... a man that could hold Wanda without making her shiver reflexively... a body that she wouldn't recognize. A body that would befit a human, and not an advanced A.I. ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> кошка мочи -cat piss
> 
> дорогая Амур -darling cupid XD
> 
> лучник - archer (I'm sorry I couldn't come up with something better but I'm saving the Legolas jokes for Tony to make since Snark _is _his specialty)__


	11. Telephoniphilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade has a choice to decide, and a situation comes to light.  
> Peter has to get out of the hospital and a strange man whose seemingly trying to break into the abandoned house next door.  
> Deadpool has fun playing a prank in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s secret secret, not-so-secret, base's parking lot.  
> Spider-man has Aunt May to worry about.  
> Both of our boys are going to be in trouble when their not-mother's, but practically are, catch them.  
> Al and May discover something... WHAT!?!?!?!!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAAAAH! I have internet back and AAALLLL I HAVE BEEN DOING IS WRITING AND REPLYING TO COMMENTS!!! DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I'VE ACTUALLY READ SOMEONE ELSE'S FANFIC!?!?!?!
> 
> TTUTT BUT IT'S WORTH IT!!!!!!!! YOU GUYS ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> so here you go! *tosses chapter I've spent 2 fricking days battling writers block, song choice, and my internet freaking the flip out and acting like a Kenny on SouthPark with Caffeine... it kept dying on me or acting stupid and jumping off the metaphorical cliff that is the mysterious hotspot in my house.
> 
> This chapter's song is Payphone by Maroon 5 ~enjoy my coveted readers~ <3

_Aaaah Death's tea is always so good... but why is it so haaaaaa~aaawwwwt?_

[Because you chose the noble road and left your A.C.-like soulmate after you died... again]

{I don't think he'll appreciate us if Nick tells him... or Spidey finds out that Fury lied and Cap'tan Merica caves in}

_Can't really blame him, who can resist that spandex covered master piece?_

{And the answer is nobody-}

[Tin man will... he does have a lot of control over his soulmate. He was just happy to get us out of his OCD apartment... I thought the man was having a panic attack from the way he was chastising big and Green. But he'll keep our secret from Spidey... if not for his sake then for the high probability that he would have to _invite_ us into his sparkling crystal tower.]

{True dat.}

_Let's just focus on waking up... and do you guys just clock out anytime I'm around my soulmate? Or what? I don't know if I like it that you guys don't make a dialogue in my head or not... because it's always funny to watch people when I'm having a conversation with you guys and them not knowing what the hell I'm talking to myself about out loud._

Deadpool's body slowly repairs dead tissue. Fingers and toes start twitching, his head tilts like a bobble-head, then lower arms and calves twitch, his head shaking back and forth faster and faster, next thighs and upper arms are clenching muscles, and finally a full body spasm seizes his entire nervous system. His eye lids fly open and he takes full shuttering breaths. Deadpool looks around, his eyes landing on the dark corner by the curtains. The figure of Nick Fury emerges, shadows and silence accompany the retired Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. .

"How ya feeling Deadpool?" The half blind man asks, moving to sit down in the chair next to the occupied hospital bed.

"Oh lovely! Cardiac Arrest is a really relaxing way to die!" Deadpool replies cheerfully, taking note that there is no windows or visible doors, he thanks whatever divine being that's looking out for him in the Universe that he has a clean repaired suit on mask included, "It manages to make you pop all your bones and joints in the end... now you guys didn't put a probe in me while I was sleeping did you? Because that is some kinky stuff right there, thought that was more evil alien than government takeover, but who can tell these days? Wait!"

Deadpool lifts up the hospital blankets and examines his groin, "Ok I was going to really flip the Fuck out if you castrated me... can't be messing with another man's package without permission you know, it's illegal to mess with someone's mail."

Nick Fury rubs his entire face as to relax himself and not kill the annoying merc before him, "Shut up Deadpool. This is not a time for games-"

"But I LOVE GAMES!!! DO YOU HAVE PHASE 10?! OR EVEN BETTER! GOLDFISH!!!!! But then we could always play monopoly or we could go to my place and play on my Xbox 360-"

Fury pulls a gun from his trench coat and points it directly at the babbling mercenary's chin, "I should have known better than to have said that being that I'm having a conversation with _YOU_ of all people. But what I'm about to say involves your soulmate Wade Winston Wilson..."

"How did you get ahold of that little nugget of information Fury?" Deadpool asks, all play gone, nothing but menace and killing intent in his tone.

"I have my sources and I'm not about to tell you who they are either. Now Spider-man may join the Jr. Avengers... I have made an exception and there is a high probability of a spot for yourself. You did try joining a long time ago but we weren't sure that you had a mind let alone a soulmate. This time you were different, you were willing to sacrifice yourself for Spider-man and you were going to try and avoid hurting him even more than you already have. But let me ask you this... even if we had just tossed you in a dumpster, wouldn't you just continue on with your life as a mercenary? A job that kills you and injures you severely all the time?"

Nick leans forward, fingers steepled and eye boring into his soul, "Now that's throwing up a lot more dangers than you being a normal human and dying. Spider-man's not going to stop fighting, and if he's hurt because of the soulbond... then he might lose a fight... he might lose his life because you went after a Mexican drug cartel in Mexico, or a terrorist bombing Paris to get a lot of money... now you asked me for a couple of favors and I have asked for some before. But this isn't me asking you a _favor_ as an _acquaintance_... this is me _telling_ you as a _friend_ and someone who cares for the health and life of your soulmate. You have to give up your mercenary life style Wade. If you really want to help that kid then you have got to get your head on straight and try being good, try being someone that he can be proud of... before it's too late and you lose him forever. So... what is your choice Wade... either way I'm going to let you loose on the world-"

"So you're asking whether I want to be restrained, chained, and trained like a dog or to be a man, free to cause chaos with freedom of choice and all that America basically stands for-"

"That's not what I'm saying-"

"That's exactly what you're saying Fury... I was asked that same question right before I signed up for project X in Department K. Right before I became this-this" Deadpool pulls his mask off, "Before I became this living cancer cell, this deranged monster that kills people for money."

Nick resists the urge to give Wade Wilson a look of pity. But it is hard even for the man that has been attested to be the man with a heart of animantium. Wade's face is scar ridden and is constantly contorting, bleeding, and shifting. Nick refuses to give in though and stares into Deadpool's eyes, eyes that are a wintery millennia of cold, clean pain and sorrow. People say Steve Roger's eyes are icy blue but if Captain America's are icy then Wade Wilson's are a mixture of whore frost and sub-zero. And that's when Nick Fury realizes, Wade Wilson use to be considered handsome before the X-program. Fury now notices the chiseled cheek bones, the nose, the sharp chin, even the medium sized lips, that hold pure white teeth that you never see because of his mask, despite the amount of Mexican food the annoying man eats. Nick feels like vomiting and crying at the same time for this broken man. Both the soul inside and the body are broken, tainted, suffering, dying on the shards of it's life... and then it suddenly hits Fury.

He doesn't even know how old Wade Wilson _IS_ , he is an acquaintance of Wolverine, a mutant that has bones covered in the hardest metal known to man and a healing factor that laughs at death. And if some unreliable sources are true, Deadpool got his regenerative powers from the immortal with a bad attitude. And the mutant doesn't even know how old he is himself because he was shot in the head and lost his memories, or so says an anonymous source dating back 50 years ago. But the fact that he has lived this long in this knarled body and suffered for more than 50 years makes Nick seem to be another bully among the thousands that must have caused that pain.

"I had cancer, I signed up because it was either die quickly by trying or die in 3 weeks suffering through radiation that would literally kill me. I was asked whether I wanted to become Hydra's bitch or to be a dying man in a corner that could say how unfair the world was. The only difference now is that you have my weakness... a weakness that I didn't even know existed until a couple of months ago. For the longest time I wasn't afraid to die, Death makes very nice tea and bakes so well that Betty Crocker, bless her soul, would be jealous. I'm not afraid to die right now either... I'm just scared that I'll hurt him... do you honestly know how much pain he must have grown up with? And that's not including any of the other shit that could have gone wrong with his life! I can never forgive myself for all of it Nick... I'm-I'm _Scared_ there I said it... my weakness is Spider-man's well being. So even if I join your team... I would be a liability, or worse... I would be a hindrance to everything you're trying to achieve." Deadpool rasps out, holding back a sob. 

Nick pulls Wade into a hug, a single tight squeeze, and backs off as if he never performed the act of comfort, "Put your mask back on Wade, I'm going to give you a month to decide... if you wish to join, meet me at the empire state building and remember... it's not the past that defines you, it's your will to change your habits and faults and fears with your consciousness and strengths and courage... and above all your soul Wade... your soul will always seek to better itself for it's other half, no one's perfect Wade, not even Spider-man...We're all human here..."

Two sliding doors open, Nick tosses a car key at Deadpool, fully expecting him to catch it... he doesn't, it falls in his lap on the bed. Nick looks back once, as if he was going to say something, but quickly turns away and exits the room. The doors are left wide open. Deadpool sits there for an hour, simply lost in the entire situation.

His cellphone rings, Wade mechanically picks it up and answers it, "...Hey Al... no, I'm okay... I'm-I'm fine really!...no I didn't find my soulmate, I-I think it was a false alarm or something-... I'm going to come home in a few minutes, and where might exactly _home_ be now Al?... oh, I see... May sounds amazing, I think you just found a new best-y, maybe she can teach you how to fold laundry like a normal person!...yeah, yeah we've both got our faults you old coot... yeah I'll bring some perishables home, _if I can find my wallet_ -...no! NO! I didn't say anything Al I swear I'll bring some milk and eggs and bread and all those other domestic groceries, Canadian Boy Scouts honor... I was too in the Canadian boyscouts!!! Anyway gotta go, and I'll take a rain check on Agency X's job... too much stuff going on, it's sort of complicated... don't go there right now Al, I don't want to talk about Her, that's not a matter to discuss over the phone...I'll get them bye."

Deadpool gets up and searches for the car door that will yield to his key. He finds the parking lot.

He looks down at the key, "o.k. a Mercedes-Benz... nice car, wonder where it could beeee..."

The entire parking lot consists of black Mercedes-Benz.

[Typical]

{S.H.I.E.L.D. has officially ruined this car for us]

_Do they get it half price off if they order these things in bulk?!?_

"oh...Fuck me..."

[No thanks I'm already taken.]

{Same here, and by the lovely sleek white box to your left.}

_Oh the joys of being a third wheel..._

{You gave us your blessing 5 years ago so you can say nothing~}

 _Correction, I_ said _nothing, you guys supposedly got hitched in secret in Las Vegas by that guy named Lee V. Ram whilst I was captured by Hydra that 4th time and having a month long sleep over with Death! Therefore I gave you no blessing, you guys just damned me to be the awkward witness to your lovey-dovey flirting for the rest of mine-your existence!_

[You signed the receipt for the pizza's at the sleepover didn't you?]

_What does that have to do with anything- you sneaky little bastard... you got my signature on a piece of paper and carbon copied it!_

{Yep! So we have the paper's to prove your blessing!}

_You know that's highly illegal right?_

[Since when did you care what's illegal, you make a living off of killing people, I think that's a lot worse than counterfeiting a blessing for a wedding between two voices in your head Wade...]

{oooooooh Feeeeel the buuuuurn.}

_I will hurt you Yellow._

{Neeehneeehna-boo-boo!}

[Yellow, babe, I love your annoying...-ness but goading a known _killer_ is stupid, even for you.]

{But~White-y~Tiet-y!~Antagonizing~and~mocking~Wade~is~our~favorite~past~time!}

_Wait... your pet name is White-y Tiet-y?!? WHY HAVEN"T I HEARD OF THIS!?_

[Damn you Yellow... I hate you]

_Hello!!! Since when has Mr. White been known as White-y Tiet-y!?!?!_

{I know you mean L~O~V~E}

_You guys are ignoring me aren't you... just keep the smooching and fucking to the filthy back of my mind where you guys normally disappear to do your kinky shit...and no cheese spray either, yuck, that was disgusting last time._

Wade finally finds the right car... it was the very last car closest to the exit.

"Fucking figures... hmmm probably waaaaaay past an hour, Al's going to be furious but if I have to go through her wrath then I might as well get a little enjoyment out of it~"

Wade takes out a can of red spray paint from one of his pouches.

"Wonder if Captain Eye-patch will make me walk the plank for this one?"

**********************************************************

Spider-man wakes up in a hospital bed, feeling as good as that first day after he got bit by Oscorp's spider.

Spider-man does a double-take, feeling for his mask, which has not been taken off.

_Why am I in a hospital bed... last time I remember being knocked out by that green goblin weirdo... and the next part I wake up to Gobby playing join me and we can rule the world shtick... but Iron man coming to my rescue and the rest has GOT to be delusions caused by that green vapor... but... I feel... lighter... sort of happier than before, like I had a really good dream, which I sort of did..._

The door in front of the hospital bed opens, Spider-man jumps onto the ceiling, avoiding the female doctors gaze as she check the machine on the wall and sneaksout of the closing door.

"What? Where'd he go!?"

oPoor Lady might lose her job because of us...o

.Don't worry about her, she works for these douche bags, she knows what she was getting into. .

Spider-man slinks on the wall and looks for the nearest exit, spotting a clock on the wall next to him.

"Aunt May is going to kill me!" Spider-man whispers, his Spider sense goes off like his head is a mixed drink, an arrow hits where his foot use to be. Spider-man has moved away from range, coming across an air vent and slithering in as quickly as possible.

"Come out little spider! Nat is worrying her рыженькая off... and that's not a good thing considering the likelihood of her taking someone else's off... if you don't come out it might be yours." calls a silver haired man with a heavy Russian accent. He blurs down the hall awkwardly totting a bow that is far too small for him. He has the semblance of a lost droopy eared basset hound... if it were a grown silver-haired Russian with a bow and arrow running around a hospital with Natasha Romanov... Peter resists the snicker bubbling up, he smothers it and it comes out as a choking sound...wait a second, Black Widow is with him?

"Found him."

Peter's Spider-sense goes off too late, which proves just how lethal the ex-assassin is. Black Widow pulls Spider-man out of his hidey-hole like Aunt May gracefully hefting a grocery bag. Natasha twists the 14 year old spandex wearing Peter Parker around and knocks his chest against the wall.

"Vents are normally Clint's forte but you seem to be the perfect size to creep around in them. Bruce said that you need to stay in bed. Now you can either cooperate and walk back to your bed and go to sleep like a good little boy, or I can sing you a lullaby like I do to the big guy only a little less gentle and have the Russian speedster drag you on the floor at the speed of sound. If you choose the later, you'll wake up with a knot the size of a football on your forehead and a linoleum burn that will make rug burn look like a-" 

"Dr. Jekyll said to keep him from getting anymore injuries Natasha, although I think he could have fun if I put him in a swivel chair and sling him down the hallway." Pietro chuckles, already thinking like an adopted uncle. Natasha lets Peter go with a not so gentle shove.

"I-I'll go quietly, j-just l-let me u-use a phone that isn't bugged... my I-identity must s-stay secret... that's the deal." The masked teen says weakly, his head aching dully.

Natasha lets loose a long exaggerated sigh, whips out her smartphone, and throws it at the young man's head; Fortunately, Spider-man catches it on instinct, eyes questioning under the mask shielding his emotions from sight.

Black Widow seems to sense this, "I check for bugs regularly. With the help of the nerds, and me and Clint's expertise, the Avenger's phone's can't be hacked. There's also an app on the top right corner that will automatically erase the phone number you call." Natasha points at the phone in question.

"Thanks... but I also need to talk... alone? I-If that's possible." Peter murmurs hesitantly, testing the waters of Black Widows patience with his pinky toe.

Natasha opens her mouth to say something harsh but only gets out a gasp as she and Spider-man are hauled to the roof by a silver blur.

"This is about as private as you're going to get little паук. But as you can tell, if you take a step towards the edge you will be handcuffed to your hospital bed прежде чем вы можете мигать. But _We_ will give you a courtesy of 10 ft." Pietro says, holding Natasha as close as possible so she doesn't try anything.

"o-okay, thank y-you." Peter says as Pietro zooms to the other side of the roof. The wallcrawler turns around and quickly takes apart the smartphone, sweeping for bugs and finding none.

oYou should trust her Peter. She wouldn't really have a reason to lie.o

He takes the next step he checks out the validity of Black Widow's App. He finds it's been hacked by a non-descript source, the entire smartphone has been tampered with; So, in other words, Peter can't risk using this phone after all.

.Trust _HER_?!? HAH! Not with Peter's identity and Aunt May's LIFE we're NOT!.

An emblem of a skull with...tentacles?... in a circle pops up with a few choice words emboldened in red.

Peter understands it's message.

_SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!_

He tosses it as far as possible straight up in the air, the speedster dashes over a little too late to catch the smartphone.

It explodes in a blazing ball of phosphorus orange.

Quicksilver grabs Spider-man's collar and lifts him up like he would to a scold puppy, "What. Did. You. Do?!"

"It Was HACKED!!!! What did you expect me to do?! Black Widow said it wasn't bugged, and it wasn't-"

"Then why did you make it explode you little gutter snipe!?!" Natasha yells, face mere inches from Peter's.

"I said it wasn't bugged, I said it was _hacked_ which means that even if it was bugged it would only leek information to whoever hacked your App! I thought it was suspicious and looked, everything seemed normal until I tried my hand at hacking the App to truly erase the number if I put it in. It booted me out once I followed a thread and a weird skull with tentacles in a circle emblem popped up-"

"Fucking Hydra managed to sneak into another one... god dammit, and I liked the cover on that one. Sorry about that kid... can't be too careful these days, being paranoid is how we all have survived so long in this world." Natasha states, Pietro lets Peter go softly, the two Russians look at the tiny pieces of her smartphone descending from the overcast 11 o'clock sky.

Seeing as they are both distracted, Spider-man silently dives off of the roof and swings as quietly as possible, hiding his bright red and blues in the shadows of alleyways.

"черт побери" Pietro curses, slamming his fist on the ledge, he turns around and races off after the long gone super-powered vigilante.

Black Widow massages her temples and leans against the edge of the roof, "I really wish I could call Pepper right about now."

*********************************************************

Spider-man manages to ditch Quicksilver and Black Widow and changes into ordinary dorky and nerdy Peter Parker 10 blocks from home. He sneaks his way to the side of the house closest to the foreclosed house neighboring them.

o I thought you only had Mr. Frank as a neighbor... o Andy points at a car.

A nice black Mercedes-Benz is parked in that driveway and Peter really doesn't like it, he practically jumps out of his skin when he hears someone take out the trash in the _supposed to be_ uninhabited house. He sees a tall man covered head-to-toe in clothing trying to get into the back door.

.Oh hell no.

Peter quickly takes out his camera and slings it at the suspicious stranger, "What the HELL are you DOING?!?"

***********************************************************

Deadpool searches for the fake rock Al had kept to hide the keys, finally finds them, after making more racket than a group of alley cats, and opens the door to find Al asleep by the front door to the new place and Mr. Snookums pacing and whining like a bitch. After locking the front door, gently whisking Al to her nest of cloth, changing out of his sexy hand-crafted uniform and taking Mr. Snookums for a walk, he stumbles upon the full-to-bursting trash bag by the back door. Being the to-do guy he is, he takes it out and tosses it into the trash can outside, turning back to the closed back door once the task was done.

Only to find that the back door is locked.

[Smooth move Einstein]

_Why can't anything go right tonight?_

{Because Lee V. Ram hates you?}

_Har har har very punny Yellow._

Wade fiddles with the door knob.

_I wonder if I pull the door knob clean off would it wake Al up and if it did, would it be worth it? Not to mention Mr. Snookums might go ape shit like that time last the idiot that tried to break in._

"What the HELL are you DOING?!?"

Wade feels a head sized piece of heavy metal hit his head.

{This reminds me of that A.C. D.C. concert we went to a while back!}

*******************************************

"Ow! The fuck?!? God dammit! What the hell man?!" Wade yells, turning to see a skinny hooligan threw... a camera?... at him?!

"Take a step closer and I will call the cops on you, now get the fuck out before I really do call the cops!" Peter yells, holding his phone up so the asshole knows he isn't messing around, slowly backing up to his back door.

_How stupid can this kid get!? He just showed me where his phone is, what I should target first._

Wade grabs a trash can lid and Frisbee's it at the kid's hand.

Peter let's go of it in surprise, his Spider-sense abandoning him at the last moment. He steps back in surprise and slips on a loose brick that Aunt May had wanted him to see about fixing the other day. His ass will be hurting in the morning if Aunt May doesn't kill him for being this late in the first place.

_Did he really just-? This has got to be Yellow's idea of a B-rated Indi- horror film... this universe really has gone to shit._

Wade bursts into a fit of laughter, "Geeze, Kid! You're proof that Evolution _DOES_ go in reverse!"

Peter grabs a brick and throws it at the rude man's knee, hitting it dead-center.

A crunching noise of breaking bone echoes in the street, much louder than the yelling of before.

Wade clutches his knee, feeling blood dripping from his head wound... _Wait a second... shouldn't that have healed by now?_

During Wade's moment of epiphany, Peter scrambles for his phone and types in 911,"Stop fucking with me! Get away from my house! I've typed in 911, so all I have to do is press call."

Wade feels woozy from the blood-loss, something that only happens when he's lost more blood than he can handle. Which this shouldn't be happening.

Peter realizes that the stranger hasn't said anything for a few minutes, "Hey... you okay?"

"Yeah... just lost a lot more blood than I'm use to losing." Wade murmurs, feeling nauseous, "I... don't feel so good..." Wade passes out.

Peter runs over to Wade, more cautious the closer he gets. He looks at the tall clothed man curled in the fetal position, feeling a bit light-headed himself.

"Yeah... I don't feel so good either..." Peter mutters before passing out as well.

******************************************

Al, having heard the commotion outside, calls May and they both go outside to investigate, and find both of their boys curled up next to each other in a perfect circle resembling a cancer sign.

"Oh dear lord..." Aunt May whispers in reverie.

"I can't see May, you're gonna have to tell me what you see before I decide to hit it with my walking stick." Al comments wickedly, raising her stick menacingly close to the two on the ground.

"Peter's in the Cancer position... but... that means that he's... slept with him before... Al, my boy has found his soulmate, and they're both sleeping on the ground out here. He looks hurt, he's bleeding. But I can't quite see where in this light. We need to take them inside." May says hurriedly, picking up the bleeding man and carrying him inside her home with ease, "I'll get Peter as soon as I-"

Al has already lifted up Peter before May can finish her sentence, "Your boy's as light as a feather... I'm going to have to invite him over for breakfast when Wade makes pancakes tomorrow... after I beat the shit out of him for coming home after 2 fuc-."

"Al... language. Now, we still don't know how these two got here in the first place and why on god's green earth they were sleeping out here of all places." May interjects, gingerly lying the bleeding man on her clean plush leather couch.

"I wonder where Wade went... always going off doing crazy ass shit at unholy hours of the night. But he's a good boy at heart, saved my life too many times to count." Al comments, "But don't you go and tell him I said that or he'll get a bloated head, his head is screwed up enough as it is."

"Same situation with Peter I'm afraid dearie, want to throttle him till he's blue in the face sometimes... now where is that blood coming from?" May asks, spotting blood around the knee and on his hoody, "Well I know where it's coming from now... his knee and his head, but he's wearing... two layers of clothing...he's wearing pants and a hoody? It was almost 100 degree's outside today!"

Al's blind eye's widened, "WAIT!" But it was too late, May lifts up Wade's hoody and sees a mauled face full of death and agony. May shudders for a second, she feels like crying at the sight of this poor man. May turns to Al, tears collecting in her eyes.

"He has cancer... ironic I know, but he's fighting it, every god damned day. You know him as Deadpool, the psychotic mutant merc with a mouth who has killed almost as many people as Hitler has allegedly. But I know him as Wade Winston Wilson, a man who was diagnosed with cancer and decided that he would take the risk of going through hell and back if their was a chance of surviving rather than dying from radiation from treating it. He saved my life, turned my life around, and he's only ever really gone after evil people. People who have hurt and maimed and killed for greed and lust. And he's done some of the most noble things in his life, yet he's one of the most humble men I've ever known. He spared my life after he was hired to assassinate me." Al admonishes, "But that's one thing the news doesn't cover, they only tell you that he kills, they never go in depth about _WHY_ he killed them, or who hired him to kill them. They don't even give people the benefit of the doubt that he let's people go. He's saved as many people as he's killed May."

"He was hired to kill me because I had a great sum of money and I was old. My nieces and nephews were greedy little snots that didn't deserve any of it and wanted me dead so they could get a few thousand out of my will. Well, I decided to donate my wealth to a terminally ill center for children...my husband and I were never able to have children, I'm barren and every time I did manage to get pregnant I miscarriaged. I thought that I might be able to save a child, a child that could have been mine, in another life, in another time. But they wanted that money. They wanted that money so much that they hired Deadpool to kill me and anyone who was there who saw my will being written."

"Most of those I had hired were not the cleanest, Deadpool did kill them unfortunately. But when he came to kill me I was looking at my old ultrasound pictures. He asked me if I had a weird freaky fetish and I explained why I was looking at them. I wanted to see my unborn babies one more time before I kicked the bucket, I had already been informed of the other's deaths you see. Wade asked me why I didn't just give them the money from the will and live for a few more years. I told him about the terminally ill child center I was planning on donating too and showed him the will. He didn't believe me at first and called his buddy Weasel who's as good at sniffing out anything fishy as the world's best bloodhound. He discovered I wasn't lying and decided to let me go, he even told Weasel to hack into my relatives bank accounts and trickle it into the terminally ill child center I wanted to donate to... then they found out and tried burning the mansion down, that's how I became blind."

"Only reason why I survived is because Wade came back to ask if he could take me out to dinner as an apology for the almost assassination. I lost everything in that fire, my belongings, my babies, my husbands picture... everything. But Wade decided that I was going to live with him, and I wouldn't wish to change it for the world... he's grown on me. So yes he has his strange bat shit crazy episodes, talking about the universe actually being a sadistic bastard who likes toying with people... but I wouldn't rather be anywhere else. He eventually told me everything, the scars, the cancer, the experiments, his powers... I love him May, he's my son, maybe not in blood, but he's my son. So if you're going to say he's a freak then so be it, but he's had enough hurtful things said about him in the world. I won't stand for someone to say another god damned thing-."

"Al, I wasn't about to say something mean. You've known me for about a day, I told you I work in the hospital. I've seen people that were burnt to a crisp in a fire in down town who barely had anything other than burnt skin and charred bone. Or a little girl locked in the attic for a month surviving because she ate her cloths in order to survive, she was a skeleton Al... she-she didn't make it that 3rd day. What I was going to _ask_ was if he was allergic to or using any medicine that would have a bad reaction to peroxide, because this wound is nasty, he might actually have a fractured or broken knee cap and a concussion. He needs to go to the hospital-."

"He's Deadpool May he'll heal- wait... he hasn't healed yet? No-no-no-no! NO! We need to take him to the hospital right now May!" Al proclaims, running and tripping over the glass coffee table, making it shatter, "oops."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> прежде чем вы можете мигать - before you can blink  
> паук - spider  
> рыженькая - little redhead


	12. Conversationemphilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool has a conversation~
> 
> Death has a convrrsation~
> 
> More information is brought forth yet much is left unknown...
> 
> I'm sorry that this update wasn't all it is cracked up to be but it had to happen at one point. Oh, and I'm telling you guys now... Lee is an asshole... but an all-powerful asshole. Madame Web is sort-of like a not-blind Al. She'd make a cool grandmother! XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait... ^_^' I am seriously a horrible person... I broke my promises to update my stories soon... some since way back in December and even farther back really... I don't deserve you guys... you wonderful readers... but I am not going to give up! I AM GOING TO FINISH THESE STORIES BY GAWDZ! IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO! SO GO FUCK YOURSELF WRITTERSBLOCK! AND NEW MARVEL MOVIES NEED TO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!

"what... What happened?" Wade goes into full panic mode when he sees that he is on a hospital bed. Al quickly grabs Wade's hand once she hears his gasp to get his attention, to make him calm down and not massacre the population of the hospital building.

"Wade it's ok. Lay back down, I'm going to explain what I know and then it's your turn to explain some things." Al says soothingly, rubbing his hand.

Wade, reluctantly and shakily, lays back down, "What the Hell happened."

Al sighs, clutching Wade's hand like a fragile statue, "Me and May heard a racket outside so we went to investigate. We found you and her boy Peter in the cancer symbol. Head to toe to toe to head... how you sleep the 2nd time in bed. Peter's your soulmate Hun... now. I need to ask you a few questions. First being why the hell you were so late in coming home."

"S.H.I.E.L.D." Wade replies quick as a whip, face as blank as a clean sheet of printer paper.

"Second, why the hell Peter was with you without either of you TELLING us you had found each other" Al growls, blind eyes glaring a little too far to the right.

"Just found out today Al. You know I wouldn't leave you out of the gossip circle~ I know you old foots hoard gossip like Gandalf hoards hobbits... or so says memes." Wade snarks, mind getting a little less foggy and groggy from passing out earlier.

Al rolls her eyes, not wanting to know what reference her boy has made. "And third... why you two decided to sleep on the ground outside instead of taking him inside or at least to a decently classy hotel." Al's left eyebrow rose dramatically, blind eyes looking slightly to the left of Wade.

"He threw a camera at me Al, and not one of those flimsy plastic peice of shit polaroids either. I mean a porfessional camera that was about 4 pounds and made of hard plastic. And then he threatened to call the cops on me. And then he threw a BRICK at me. HE THREW A **BRICK** AT ME! It wasn't like I could wine him, dine him, and fuck him Al. It's-... Peter's my soulmate?" Something clicks.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait... backtrack a second... Peter as in Peter Parker?" Wade asks blinking rapidly, a lightbulb flickering. White and Yellow search and find a new bulb.

Al leans over, "Yes... how did you know-" Yellow switches out the lightbulb, White goes over to turn it on but Yellow leaps at him and the wrestle for the right to flip the switch.

"That can't be right. Spidey's my- holy SHIT!!!!!" Wade jumps up from the hospital bed, white gains the upper hand and flips the switch, lighting the dimly lit thinking corner of Wade's brain, Yellow sulkily slinks away. Wade can't hold a grin back. _Peter! HAH! AND SPIDEY!!!! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN! I_ was _getting the same vibes from them. But that explains Spidey's confession a little better, and I saved him from dying not once but twice. HAH! He makes money selling selfies of himself....While I make money killing people... I don't deserve him._ Wade slumps to the bed, Al laying him back down. _And now he knows just what sort of monster he's destined to be with..._

"I don't know what's got you so down in the dumps but you should be happy Wade... it's not everyday that someone finds their other half." Al whispers, "Do you want to see him? He's still unconscious in the next room over but-"

"What do you mean unconscious. Has he been sleeping since I passed out?" Wade asks, leaning forward towards Al brushing her fluffy mop of hair with his breath, hoping beyond hope that what Al says next will be a yes.

"yes Wade, don't you know anything about soulbonds? You pass out then he passes out and vis-versa-and don't you _dare_ cut me off again, because injured or not I know you'll heal and I'm rather fed up with you... showing up at 4 o'clock in the morning... one of these days I'm going to grab that Nick Fury by the ears and give him a firm talking to!"

"Yeah yeah you'd loooooove to meet him so you two could smack your gums and swap gossip and potential blackmail. You done yet? I have somewhere I need to be before a certain someone wakes up... and do me a favor, don't tell Peter about anything- about- this soulmate business. .. please. At least not until I figure out if I should stay with him or-"

Al squeezes Wade's hand hard, hard enough to turn his scarred mottled hand white, "Runaway. Wade, the most wonderful thing that can happen to a person in this universe walks right into your lap, most people would die to have a chance GLIMPSE of the potential for happiness you have. But no, you want to runaway, because you're scared that you'll get hurt-"

"You're wrong Al... I'm not afraid that I'll get hurt, I know that I'm a pain magnet, the strongest pain magnet in the world... but I can take it. I can take anything the world can throw at me Al, if someone dropped a nuclear bomb on me I'd live, granted I'd be radioactive for a few years, but I'd live like the glorified cockroach I am. Someone shoots me in the head or the stomach or spleen or even my heart... I'll live, but here's where it gets messy. Peter wouldn't. Peter isn't a regenerative cancer-cell. I've also made a LOT of enemies Al, you know that whoever I get close to gets killed in the end. They just haven't gotten to you yet because your the toughest old bird I know and Death has a soft spot for you. Peter... Peter has no advantages, he's already painted a big gleaming 1 mile wide neon target on himself for reporting on Spider-man. And NOW he lives next to the most lethal, heartless, wanted-dead, infamous, and ugly man in the _known_ universe..." Wade explains, flicking the covers off of himself and moving his legs to the edge of the hospital bed.

Al scooches over and helps Wade to stand, providing him a spare cane, "You're scared because of what happened to-"

"Yes Al, it's because of _Her_ … I just don't want history to repeat itself, again." Wade takes the offered cane.

Al gives Wade an awkward but much needed hug.

[She really is too nice for you.]

_What was that White? You have the hots for Al? I don't think Yellow will be happy to hear that~♥_

{ **WHAT!?** }

[you prick...]

{Are you being UNFAITHFUL TO ME WHITE!? ARE UUUUU!?}

_Had to keep you guys busy whilst I go to Peter... and it may have been a bit of hard feelings because of you not mentioning that nickname before..._

{THAT HOMEWRECKER! wait. YOU HAVE **HARD** FEELINGS FOR MAH WHITEY-TIGHTY!? AH HEEEEELL NAW! YOU LISTEN HERE YOU RED MOTHER PLUCKER! DON'T TOUCH MAH MAN BEAAAAAAWCH! I WILL OPEN A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS ON YOU-}

_Yellow... I have no romantic feelings towards a white comment box that spouts geek gibberish and has more sarcastic mysticism than Charlie Harper. It's White you should be worried about... you know how sarcasm works around the ladies... and guys._

The comment box couple moves to the back of Wade's mind. _To probably go have angry sex and then less angry but kinky make-up sex... which I still don't understand how they're able to-to doooo it._

{[We Heard That!]}

_and? It's not like I was saying anything Nobody knows... or doesn't know since we're discussing this in our head without a 3rd party._

The comment boxes scoff, shrug their shoulders, and disappear to who knows where. Wade continues to limp out of his room and to the door to the left. The only room next to his since it's at the end of the hallway. He politely knocks and a woman with graying hair, smile wrinkles, and kind brown eyes answers. She doesn't even flinch, she just grins and steps behind the door swinging it open wider. Wade's mouth drops but his impression of her soars.

May quirks an eyebrow and crosses her arms, "It's not polite to stare... you leave your mouth open for much longer and I guarantee you'll catch a good amount of flies."

A grin instantly teases my lips, "I know ma'am. Just been awhile since someone hasn't gasped upon seeing my ugly mug. You remind me of Al... only polite and less blind. But I will say that I'm not the one you should be worrying about catching flies... your Petey has more chance of catching pests seeing as he's the one caccooning bady burglars on a nightly basis."

"What do you mean by-oh... _oh_ … **OH!** SO THAT'S WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON!"

_shit, I just let out Peter's cat... fuck._

"THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH! WHY HE'S BEEN COMING HOME ALL BEATUP AND-AND WHY HE STAYS OUT SO LATE! AND DISTRACTED HALF OF THE TIME! I was afraid he had been getting into a bad crowd... but this explains EVERYTHING! OH I'M SO GLAD HE ISN'T GOING DOWN THE WRONG PATH-" May's eyes lock onto Wade's, she looks down at the ground in embarrassment. The implied _like you_ enters Wade's thoughts.

 _Decision made._ Wade hides the hurt with a fake cheesy-ass smile, "Like me? HAH! I'm only letting him off the hook right now because I just found out he's my soulmate. Otherwise I would have handed over his secret identity hours ago, so his S.I. is safe for now just at least until the novalty wears off. who cares about arachnid-boy anyway. But doesn't matter now, he's cute and all but really not my type, now that nurse Helen that came to see me oooh boy, she got my libido going just walking in the room raawr. Besides I'm a heterosexual not a homo. I like full-breasted women that are all hot and bothered ya know?" Wade cups his hands making a groping motion. May looks at Wade in utter disgust. _That's the kind of look I'm use to receiving._

"Hah! Al was spot on. But you really couldn't come up with a better ploy than _that_ to run away from Peter? I may be Old but I'm not stupid, I could've seen through that lie without Al warning me about your habit of 'runin' when the stuff get's tough'. Besides Wade, " May smiles softly, warmly. _WTF???!!!_ , "it's a known fact that you're a bonified pansexual. I already know about your job as well. But Al also told me about you being terrified that Peter will get hurt. That you push those away from you so that you only get hurt... you may be mister indestructible on the outside. But on the inside, you're as vulnerable as my Peter... so do me a favor Wade Winston Wilson, don't break his heart, that's the only thing he has left besides ghosts and me and memories. And I already knew about Peter's night time activities... it's pretty hard not to when he's constantly making the White's pink because he just dumps his costume in any laundry basket he sees when he drags himself up the stairs to sleep for a good 2 hours. I was messing with you Wade."

Wade's mind is coming up blank there's no quick quip, no snarky comment, no witty comeback, or even a simple cheesy joke. And it's kind of freaking him the fuck out. This May Parker just smashed his animantium walls into microscopic shreds and, frankly, she is scaring the shit out of him.

May's eyebrow raises up once more, "Your mouth is hanging open again young man... although you might actually be a good 20-30 years older than me if what Al told me was true. Anyway, we're getting off topic. And that topic would be why are you here... why are you here Wade?"

"I don't know...", Wade steps forward and slumps into a chair, _smooth sandpaper... who am I kidding? BOB, that stuttering twit, could've come up with something better than that._ But it is true none the less, "But I do know that I want to protect him... I don't want him to feel my pain anymore... I'm fucked up enough as it is, and I deserve it, Peter doesn't. He's just a kid, granted he kicks evil booty every night, but he's good... he doesn't deserve my pain."

Wade pauses, mind making it's decision.

"Which is why you can't tell him what I am... at least not until I make some changes in my life and become something less painful... something more _kid friendly_ Wade and less-less crazy deranged chaotic k-wording Deadpool."

May stares into Wade's eyes, searching, mouth in a firm foreign frown. Wade feels like her eyes are boring into his soul, riffiling through his sins and inspecting the only good nuggets of gold found in his heart that are far and few between. May's eyes squint but she huffs and nods, breaking eye contact and sits in the chair next to the sleeping Peter.

"You know he's going to be mad at us for a good few years when he figures out you knew all along right? He holds grudges with a deathgrip most of the time." May chuckles sadly, shaking her head slowly, her hand gently grasping the sleeping 14 year old's hand.

"Way to make a guy feel guiltier... but he's sort of getting revenge on me since he's dating a girl, albeit unknowingly, and he's bound to have a few more flings throughout the years." Wade sighs sorrowfully, fiddling nervously with the cane by his knee.

"And how long are you planning to keep Peter in the dark Wilson?!" May asks, a bit miffed, her eyebrow seems to have found a permanent home up there high on her forehead a few inches from her hairline.

Wade's face is shadowed as he curls his hands around the cane and slouches slightly in the chair, "Until nobody will try and use him to get at me."

Peter's eyes flutter open, interrupting May's next words with a little groan of pain that makes Wade red as a tomato and feel like a pervert for even picking up on the quiet gust of air.

Peter rises up slowly but hisses slightly as his head slides on the pillow, he looks around gaining his bearings, then his eyes land on Wade.

Golden coffee brown meets sub zero whorefrost.

"Nice to see you're finally waking up sleeping beauty! Even though I was the one who got an injury to the head and knee-cap, good throw by the way. That camera hit me dead on, quite the arm you have." Wade says smirking and putting his arms behind his head, lounging in the chair.

Peter blinks a few times before his eyes go wide as saucers.

"YO-YOU! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE!?" Peter splutters jumping up only for his bodies aches to catch up with him and another louder groan of pain to rake his throat.

"Yes _ME_. And why shouldn't I be? I was the one bleeding from the head after going outside to take out the trash and got locked out of my new house. You were the rascal slinking in the shadows by my house being all suspicious and stuff." Wade snarks, waving his hand around and pointing at Peter to emphasize.

"New neighbor?! HAH! That house was repossessed by the bank _years_ ago!" Peter exclaims raising a finger to point back at Wade.

"I _BOUGHT_ it from the bank yesterday Peter Pan." Wade shoots back, pointing his cane at Peter.

"Well how the Hell was I suppose to know!? YOU WERE BEING SUPER SUSPICIOUS! YOU WERE SHAKING THE DOOR KNOB LIKE YOU WERE TRYING TO BREAK IN! AND YOUR APPEARANCE ISN'T EXACTLY FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR MATERIAL!" Peter shouts, ignoring the pain wreaking his body and sitting straight up.

Wade flinches slightly whether from the hurtful comment or the painful soulbond, "Your Aunt supposedly discussed us moving in the day she met Al. And I was LOCKED OUT of my house, and I didn't exactly want to wake up Al or Snookums... I also have a _skin_ condition you jackass, I would rather be alive and ugly than dead from cancer. And lastly, I don't give a damn whether you think I'm friendly neighbor material, because any chance of me having a friendly neighbor material attitude went out the window when you made yourself into a douchebag and commented on my looks. And here I was going to say sorry for scaring the shit out of you this morning but no. You deserved it from what I'm taking from this conversation. I understand I looked suspicious and I understand you were scared and just reacted the best to your ability, and yes I reacted poorly but in truth I was trying to teach you something but apparently it went over your head."

"oh _reaaaally_?" Peter covers his cheeks with his hands and makes an exaggerated 'O' with his mouth, "What was that exactly scar-face? How to be a mug victim?" Peter deadpans.

"nope, quite the opposite actually. What NOT to do when faced with a stranger danger warning. You tripped over a BRICK on your backyard patio, which, apparently, you've walked on for _years_ … you don't even know familiar surroundings! And then holding up your phone showing that you've yet to _**CALL**_ THE PO-PO!? THAT'S JUST FUCKING STUPID! YOU DON'T THREATEN A MUGGER! YOU DON'T TAKE A CHANCE YOU MORON! CALL THE DAMN POLICE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO REASON WITH SOMEONE WHO IS PROBABLY ON DRUGS OR CRAZY ENOUGH TO NEED THEM!" Wade yells, standing up and stepping closer to Peter.

"I INJURED YOU DIDN'T I? DID YOU SUCCEED IN FAKE MUGGING ME? HUH!? I COULD HAVE HANDLED YOU!" Peter screams back, trying to save what little of his pride he has left, rather immaturely at that.

Wade sits on the edge of the bed and examines his fingernails, "Then why are you waking up hours later in a hospital since you, apparently, could have _handled_ me?"

Peter gaps like a fish, Wade smirks, "And I did succeed."

Wade tosses a banged up camera at Peter, who surprisingly catches it but with a moan of pain, "This antique was probably the most valuable object on you and you threw it at me, apparently I had it in my hand after the _incident_ up until we were taken to the hospital. If you actually thought about throwing the valuable at me I would say that was either a really smart or a really stupid move. Maybe a mugger could just take the camera and run, or maybe he would beat you up for possibly breaking his pay check. Who knows? Point is you were being reckless, don't make the same mistake again. You have an amazing Aunt that thinks the world of you and apparently you're all she has left. So take care of yourself and wizen up before something tragic happens. If not for you then for her."

Wade stands up, knees popping, and hobbles to the door using his cane. Peter looks at his camera dejectedly, angry tears dripping down his chin in shame, Wade looks back and Peter meets his eyes.

"I'm- I'm sorry ok!? I just don't want Aunt May to get hurt, Uncle Ben died because of me- a mugger. I don't know what I would do if that happened to anyone close to me again. I just wanted to protect her." Peter sobs into his hands breaking eye contact.

May puts the box of tissues on the bed. The males jump, having forgotten she was even there. Peter reluctantly snags as many as possible, trying to regain his composure. Wade sighs at the sight and returns to his seat at the edge of the bed.

"It's ok Peter, I know sweetheart. But you need to properly apoligize to Mr. Wade later. How about you come over for dinner tonight, since you're going to be released in a few hours. Al can come too of course, as well as Snookums. Can't promise I won't sneak him scraps though, it's a weakness of mine." May chastises and smiles warmly at Wade.

"Sure! Just tell me you guys aren't vegetarians... or I will be forced to shove meatloaf down your throats and we will never speak to each other again. Vegetables are nasty... unless they're mashed potatoes or green beans~!" Wade says, serious as the plague.

Peter snorts, a beautiful grin spreading across his face. Wade resists the urge to gasp and drool at him, or just kissing the boy square on his mouth.

_I think I could give up food to see that smile every day. Libido! down boy down! Well that goes to show that I am definitely interested in Petey-pie. Even though he's way beyond my level and illegal. ~sigh~ The heart wants what it wants I suppose. Hey... where's the twin terrors?_

~~~~~~~~******************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lady Death~ how lovely to see you my dear. You're looking absolutely depressing." The red man says, greeting Death who has just entered his restricted pocket dimension.

"Cut with the act Lee. Don't think for a second that I'm buying this 'no-worries' just a small anomaly bull-shit-" Lee presses a swift finger to his own lips, silencing the soon to be rampaging Death-personified.

"The plan is unfolding quicker than what Madame Web can spin, I know, remember I _aaam_ the all seeing one after all. However, the one to cause such interference has yet to show itself in plain view yet... though it does beg the question how much _they_ know they are interfering..." Lee says, lounging in a lazyboy that appears out of thin air.

"LEE! TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! THIS COULD DESTROY EVERYTHING-!" Lee makes a rather rude zipping motion over his mouth. Death quickly quiets, and simply _glares_ her outrage at the red man before her.

Lee looks into Death's eyes, and rips out the very fabric of her being.

~~~~~~~~~~~~***********~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Madams Web gasps, the fabric of the universe just ripped a huge tear, splitting the cloth in half.

"DAMMIT Lee! I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE! STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH DEATH! I'M ALREADY TRYING TO CATCH WHOEVER THE BASTARD IS THAT'S GOING TO SABOTAGE EVERYTHING YOU MORON! STOP MAKING IT HARDER TO FIND YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Madame Web grouches, banging her cane against the ceiling in her own little cozy pocket dimension room.

~~~~~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~~~

Lee grumbles and puts Death back in her proper being, who wilts and collapses onto the floor, "I AM taking this seriously Death. And you giving me an update about something I already KNOW is a waste of time. So do something usefil and get back to what you're supposed to be doing. Monitoring your realm and see if there are any cracks where something could slip through, and remember no matter how small a tear there is still the possibility that it was used to get in. Obviously any trace will not be recognized as part of this universe, so it's completely foreign."

He makes a scat gesture at Death and she is teleported back to her realm.

"I ... _reeeeaaaally_ hate that pompous ass sometimes."

"I heard that Death~." Lee's chuckles, voice echoing bodiless. Death face-palms and groans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I am going to include the whole cinematic marvel universe in this which include Daredevil and Agents of SHIELD, and Ant-man, after I see it. Sooooo that means I'm going to have to ship some of these dunderheads... vote for your otp, in those shows and movie, whichever one gets the most will be put in unless it is completely unfounded, irrelevant, or they are already paired up with their soulbuddy. Matt Murdock/Vladimir. Wilson Fisk/the missus~. Mac/Fitz. Melinda/Phil Coulson. The rest are all yours! But one thing must be clear... there will be no Matt/Foggy or Matt/Fisk or even Matt/Karen... the first one is because Foggy is awesome and Matt will just eventually break his heart. The second because Fisk just proposed to a certain art-dealer. And the last one because she's sort of stalkerish, obsessed and frankly... they screwed up her character. She was supposed to be badass if she has any relation to the Marvel comic version Karen, and if she wasn't there was no way she would have been able to pull the trigger. And really I'm sort of fuming about it-this. Because either they're going to throw out that she was pretending the whole time or she broke character... pisses me off. Then again the dude deserved it... would have been funny if the guy who she shot was Hydra or if he was actually SHIELD. NOT GOING TO SPOIL FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE STILL NOT WATCHED THE DAMN SERIES!!! SHAME ON YOU!!! XD
> 
> Ignore my ramblings on the last part but please try and pair them up with people, that they know... and-or are in Marvel cinematic universe because I am going crazy researching all these people... I even went so far as to research 'Bug' from the second version of guardians of the galaxy and an entirely different bug which-shall-not-be-named so as to keep you guys in the dark~ with my evil planzzz~...~sigh~ I wasn't sitting around twiddling my thumbs guys! I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF! I'VE BEEN SERIOUSLY RESEARCHING! and yes most of this action will be taking place whilst Peter goes through girlfriends and Wade sits looking forlornly in the corner.
> 
> [He just can't catch a break]  
> °Poor Wade°  
> SO THAT'S WHERE YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN! XD  
> The comment boxes have been sneaking into the notes boxes... seriously guys? You couldn't clean-up around here?  
> O.o please don't tell me that's a condum...if that is a condom I'm running.  
> •well its not a deflated balloon•  
> *dashes away from potential diseases*
> 
> {*walks in with waterballoons* o.o weren't we in the middle of a waterballoon fight a second ago? I thought the little nerdybirdy girl was going to join in? *shrugs shoulders* oh well, her loss! *throws one that bursts right on Andy's groin*}
> 
> •*snickers* did choir boy just Piss his pants? >:D•
> 
> The waterballoon battle continues


	13. Alliophilia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aunt May makes tacos... (I know cliché but you can never go wrong when it comes to mexican food!)…and a guest comes to visit.
> 
> There are a LOT of mixed emotions...

The ride back home was awkwardly quiet, the silence only interrupted by a few sniffles through a wad of tissues from Peter. Snookums was overjoyed when Al and Wade arrived, getting a change of clothes and going over to May's was their next step after a short but slow walk with the excited mutt.

Wade was actually getting excited, hyper even.

{This isn't going to end well is it?}

[Want to bet that a surprise that's going to possibly ruin our entire evening and progress is behind that innocent front door?]

{Oh puuuh-leeze, that person Lee mentioned wouldn't be _that_ cliché.}

[We shall see~]

(Will you guys shut up!? I can't put on mah game face with you jerkwads yammering about doom up there!)

[{*sniffs*}]

{Well we won't go where we aren't wanted! Come on whitey tighty! Let's ditch this dicksicle stand!}

[I couldn't agree more love *somehow flips him off* ,.l..]

(Good riddance!)

Wade rings the doorbell, and the door opens to reveal-

************

Peter immediately went to his room to take a shower. Hospitals always made Peter feel extra icky for some reason, the antiseptic smell or the stark white sterility of the creepy place.

•Sooo do you feel like shit on the outside? Or on the inside today sir Peter-whack-a-poor-normal-dude-with-an-unfortunate-mug?•

°Ignore him, you did what anyone thought would be right in that situation. Devon's just grumpy from the knockout. It's not your-°

• _ignore him Peter, he's an idiot_ *steals Andy's halo with his tail, openly mocks him in a high pitched voice* Kid, Wade pointed out all your faults and even forgave you. I might not be an Angel like Andy featherbrainz over there, but even you've got to face the facts that you fucked up. Granted it was a mistake, you're human. Get over yourself, nobodies perfect. So suck it up and make it up to the poor asshole you fudged up things with.•

°Now listen here! I was about to say that-°

•*Pushes him off of Peter's shoulder* Okay now listen punk. Time for some tough love. I'm not gonna pussy-foot around and play pity party with Poor puny Peter Parker, capeshe? Now get down stairs, help your Aunt who's slaving in the kitchen, and trying to mend your screw up, and don't throw anything at the scarred man and his blind housemate when they come over. Now get your ass down there and fix your mess like the young adult you are-•

"You're acting a lot like Andy-" Devon whacks Peter with his trident, "OOOOOW! Way to add insult to injured injury you red skinned bastard!"

°Quit abusing him!*poofs behind Devon and kicks at him, Devon expertly flips onto his other shoulder cackling away* And you were doing so well-°

•Hey _angelcakes_ I'm a Devil on a shoulder not a mamby pamby dress wearing twink-•

°*Andy tackles the Demon*°

Peter huffs, picks them both up and seperates them, "If you're going to fight don't do it on my shoulders. As Andy pointed out I ache like Raspusha used my body as a memory foam ass pillow. So shoo." He flicks Andy out of existence, holds Devon up, both arching an eyebrow, "Thanks for the tough love speech you asshat. So now you're gonna get one of your own, go get your _angelcakes_ and make up with him. I don't know what your relationship is but frankly I don't care if what two imaginary consciences do is legal or moral or whatever. But I'm not stupid. That was blatant pig-tail pulling going on there. So get to it your red-haired step-child."

•That obvious huhn? I get that from you you know, your fucking feelings are rubbing off on me. But Andy, despite his higher thinking what-not shit, is oblivious, why'd I have to like an airhead like him?* Devon gives up the act pretty quickly, slumping in Peter's hand*•

"You don't choose to love, it just likes to sneak up on you and fuck up your outtake on life, that's what I think happens anyway. Didn't think Gwen would like me let alone want to be with me with my soulbond and all." Peter gives, Devon nods his head, walking to the end of Peter's hand.

•*Devon turns around* Remember what you said Peter, that first part specifically. And here's something for you to chew on. I got my obviousness from you, while Andy got your obliviousness.*jumps off of the youth's hand and poofs away*•

Peter's eyebrows scrunched together, "ok... weird. I feel like they're both going to be watching me struggle with what Devon just hinted at... whatever that jackass was talking about... while eating popcorn or some shit..." Peter tugs on his shirt but hisses a little at the oversensitive contact.

He heads down stairs, Aunt May is softly humming a pop hit song under her breath as she browns the meat. The crackle of grease and the smell of seasoned meat draws Peter in like a mouse to a wheel of first class Swiss cheese. Peter gets out the grease jar from under the sink and puts it in the sink.

Aunt May quickly pours the grease into the jar and seals it shut, "whelp... this jar's full, Peter, be a deary and toss this gently in the trash." Peter opens up the trash can and puts it in, turning to the left, he opens the fridge and snags the fiesta blend shredded cheese from the drawer.

The house phone rings and Peter answers it, "Hello?"

"PETER!? OH THANK GOD! Why haven't you answered your phone? I've left you like 17 voicemails! Where have you been?"

"At the Hospital-" Peter mentally smacks himself upside the head, "umm... picking up Aunt May from the ho-hospital because sh-her shift went a bit later than usual." Smooth Parker, smooth.

"oh... ok, are we still up for that math study session today or no?" Gwen asks, knowing Peter's lying through the skin of his teeth but doesn't call him out on it.

"Well... you see-"

"ok. I'LL be over there in 10 minutes!"*click*

Peter just looks at the phone, "WHA-HUH-HOW-GWEN! I NEVER SAID YES!"

The doorbell rings and Peter goes on autopilot and opens the door. Still confused how Gwen managed to weasel into this soon to be awkward dinner.

He looks up into Iceberg eyes and something quivers urgently in his chest, fluttering about in it with razor laced feathers, "umm, come in Wa-Wade..."

Wade's heart has stopped and it's currently stuck under his Adams apple, but even after a quick gulp it stays suctioned inside and in the weirdest fucking place... ok not the weirdest but in a weird spot. Wade cautiously steps inside, Al a stick and three steps behind him, Snookums already through and sniffing Peter's crotch.

Peter, distracted by the dog that never got the memo of what personal space is, doesn't notice the jealousy and hatred bastard child glare Wade is sending the k9. Snookums makes eye contact with Wade and he could have sworn it winked before it licks the zipper of Peter's jeans. Peter chuckles awkwardly, trying his best to gently shove him away but still Snookum remains ever present in the one area Wade is most definitely interested in.

Peter somehow pries Snookums away and then everyone is being seated at the table, each plate has two tacos and a side of Mexican rice. Wade scarfs the food down like he's a crack addict that's been out of touch for a year with his precious drug and just found some.

Just as Peter brings the taco to his lips the doorbell rings. Peter is up and opening the door before Wade can blink. Peter walks in with a pretty young blond wrapped on his arm, who screams at Wade and faints right then and there.

(White fucking jinxed me.)


End file.
